The One Where She Was Dressed Like a Cupcake

27 years ago tomorrow.

What should we do to celebrate? Breakfast in bed is out. I am leaving the house at 5:00 a.m. and D.K., at 6:00. Lunch is out. Dinner? Hmm. Any good suggestions out there?

P.S. Look closely at the picture... Napoleon Dynamite was one of our groomsmen... :)

The One With Something Old and Something New

As it turns out, they weren’t actually married. At least not in the eyes of the State of California. But one should not put the horse before the carriage.

Once upon a time (three years ago, today) in the beautiful land of Newport Beach, a beautiful princess married her Prince Charming, and they set about very busily living happily ever after. The prince was finishing his first year of UCLA Law School. We are not permitted to disclose his grades (all A’s with one A+… you did not hear it here), but one might say that the prince was wise and studious. So, they were living happily ever after. Which, incidentally was going quite well, until one fateful day when the princess needed to obtain a California Driver’s License.

The prince and princess had been selected to rule over a fair portion of the UCLA graduate student housing in lawless downtown Los Angeles, but in order to secure the throne and reap the income thereof, they each had to produce a valid California Driver’s License. Sadly, Princess Jessica was only in possession of a most inferior Utah license. So she set out one day on a quest for the elusive little card… to the dark and evil kingdom spoken of only in hushed whispers to scare little children… known as the DMV. The princess brought her marriage certificate which had been given to her by the Newport Beach temple, along with her other identifying papers, and after braving hordes of angry peasants and fire-breathing employees with the one-year-old crown prince balanced squarely on her hip, she presented the royal documents to Window 24. And then Window 13. And hours later, Window 5. And there, the wicked witch cackled with glee and informed her that in the kingdom of DMV, they do not accept marriage certificates… only marriage licenses. Without a marriage license, the princess would not be recognized as part of the royal family.

The pregnant princess was exhausted as she and Crown Prince Jif arrived back at the castle after a frustrating day, but the next morning they set out on the quest once again, this time to the Dreaded Courthouse in the kingdom of the County of Orange, where she hoped to purchase a certified copy of the license, provenance of her royal marriage. Once again, there was a confusing array of windows. Endless lines. Many, many fire-breathing dragons, and a coven of wicked witches and wizards. After several hours of standing in those lines and facing down witches and wizards and dragons, Crown Prince Jif, who had recently learned how much he likes to run, and who did not wish to sit in the royal pram or be held any longer, began to cry. One of the wicked witches with a particularly heinous wart on her nose told the princess that she would have to leave because the crown prince was crying! The princess joined him and began to cry herself. After several hours in the Dreaded Courthouse, the princess was given the terrible news. It seems that the royal marriage license had been misplaced somewhere between the Dreaded Courthouse and the beautiful Newport Beach Temple where she was married. Perhaps it had been intercepted by thieves on the treacherous road, or perhaps simply lost by the inept postal service, but either way, the license was nowhere to be found. According to the law of the land, the poor unfortunate princess was not even truly wed.

Day three of the increasingly desperate quest dawned gray and threatening rain, and the prince had to forgo a day of his education in order to join the princess’ quest to obtain a new license from the land of California… this time, in their county of residence, the lawless and degenerate kingdom known as Los Angeles County. The prince and princess had to produce two witnesses who would swear that they had been present at the alleged wedding some three years before, so the prince’s parents braved the busy thoroughfares and countless highwaymen to reach the dungeon known as the County Courthouse in Norwalk, where they hoped to come to the aid of the weary prince and princess, who had so recently and embarrassingly found themselves unwed. Dozens of brides and grooms waited in the endless lines there in the dungeon. The lines, apparently cursed with a wicked and powerful enchantment, seemed never to move, and as soon as one finished at Window A, then she had to get in line at Window C, and at each window she was greeted by condescending toads who made her fill out more and more forms, which they would then type up with their evil enchanted toad fingers and send her to yet another window.

The wicked toads forced the prince and princess and their witnesses to swear solemn oaths, and then they were obligated to purchase another license for ninety gold pieces, even though it was the Dreaded Courthouse who had lost the first license. They told the princess that if she wanted to receive the license in an expedited manner, some nine days’ hence, that she was required to travel to the inept postal service and seek an Express Mail envelope for the mailing. The prince frugally, but incorrectly purchased a Priority Mail envelope for $4.95 instead of an Express Mail envelope. After all, the envelope was only to travel a short distance to the castle. A single First Class stamp would ensure one-day delivery. But no... the princess was informed that if they used a Priority Mail envelope, it would take six weeks to receive the coveted license. So they traveled back to the inept postal service to make the purchase. Inept though the postal service may be, it seems that they had found a very effective way to extort extra funds, as they were apparently in collusion with the dungeon guards.

There were probably two hundred souls bartering with the evil toads for licenses there at the dungeon that day, and given the fact that there were five of the royal family there, one could conservatively figure that 98 percent or so were Latino. Princess Jessica was by no means the only pregnant bride. But she was probably the only one who did not exit the lovely chapel adorned with silk flowers and bathroom wallpaper, wearing a very short, tight strapless white dress with plenty of cleavage spillover. The princess bride wore denim, and the wedding was toasted with frosty mugs at A&W… the feast: cheese curds and hamburgers, which, miraculously, the pregnant princess managed not to vomit immediately thereafter.

And so once again, the prince and princess were married in the eyes of the land. The crown prince was once again the legitimate heir to the throne, and they were free to live happily ever after, ruling over their fair portion of the UCLA Graduate Student Housing, plunging toilets in the middle of the night or unlocking doors for those peasants who find themselves without. And, indeed, they are doing just that, on this third anniversary of their first marriage. Their second marriage is the stuff of legends… known only by a few, and documented by just a single photo:

Happy anniversary!

The Silver One

Tuesday is my 25th wedding anniversary with DK. Hmmm… it seems like so much longer! Actually, that isn’t true. I feel like I am about 25, so I have a hard time wrapping my brain around that many years of marriage. To the same person. And having seven kids. With the same person. Go figure… so in honor of 25 years, here are 25 cool things about DK, in no particular order: (Click the photo to see it big!)

1. He thinks I am practically perfect in every way.
2. He is the master of random and strange facts about practically everything.
3. He can do more diamond push-ups than any of the missionaries who have ever lived with us.
4. Never tells me I can’t do something.
5. He loves babies.
6. When our oldest left home for college, he missed him so much that he found an excuse to drive to Utah to see him the very next weekend.
7. He takes Skippy to kindergarten every single day, and volunteers in his classroom.
8. He always tells pregnant women how beautiful they look.
9. He taught himself Italian over the last two years by listening to these crazy Jane and Mossimo podcasts in his car on the way to work.
10. Aside from a reckless (no, maybe distracted is a better word) disregard for traffic rules, he always does the right thing.
11. He makes lunches every day and uses the money he saves by “eating in” to buy me things, like my nice camera.
12. He calls my mom at least twice as often as I do.
13. Once when Cambria was about two, he heard her coloring on the hallway wall and barked a reprimand at her that made her cry. He carried her crayon around in his pocket for a week, to remind himself that little girls should be disciplined in a gentle, loving way.
14. He is going to take me to the new Star Trek movie for my birthday.
15. Despite his love of socks, he never complains that he seldom has any clean, matching ones.
16. He downplays drama. For instance, in DK parlance, “The car got totaled on the way to work” becomes, “I had a little challenge with the Volvo today.”
17. He tries to brag about me to everyone he talks to. You can see how that wouldn’t always be a good thing, so sometimes we have to have a chat about that, but it is certainly nicer than many of my friends’ husbands, who seem to always complain about things their wives do.
18. He visits elderly widows and helps them with anything they need around the house.
19. When the missionaries needed a place to live, he told me we needed to do it, even though we still had six kids at home, one in diapers. I thought he was crazy, but he followed his inspiration, and it has turned out to be a huge blessing to our family.
20. He has a sense of humor that often only I get.
21. He is smart. Definitely in the top five in our family. I think.
22. When our kids have to go to the emergency room (we are not bad parents…it happens, people), DK usually takes them.
23. You know how some people say, “If I tell you something, do you promise not to be offended?” right before they cut you off at the knees with a character attack? Whenever DK says that to me, it always turns out to be something that isn’t even about me…no personal criticism.
24. He is ten times more romantic and sentimental than I am.
25. He reads my blog.

Couldn’t resist this picture...there are a lot of fun faces here. Click it to see it big...what a great memory!

The One With the Look of Love

Dear iMac,

Have I told you lately how much I love you? I know I am not supposed to love inanimate objects, but let’s face it…you are anything but inanimate! I have been saving files indiscriminately, yet haven’t even occupied two percent of your roomy 640 gigabyte hard disk. Running Logic Studio with more than twenty tracks at a time, you don’t even break a sweat. You escort me through the minefield of the internet as though it is your own personal playground, always shielding my eyes from anything profane or vulgar.

I know you’re watching me, too, because I clicked and you took this picture of me. We like all the same shows on Hulu HD (Battlestar Gallactica, The Closer, 24…did I tell you about my Jack Bauer dream where we were jumping into an empty elevator shaft, suspended from chains…and I woke up with this horrible bruise on my arm…I don’t think it was from the chains, but seriously, where else would it have come from?). We agree on all the important things: (cream cheese frosting does not belong on cinnamon rolls, it’s more important to have a nice piano than a nice car, and having kids is definitely better than having pets). I guess what I’m saying is, BFFs, okay? Love you.
P.S. You look great in silver…all 24 inches of you. Speaking of silver, since you’re so new, we could call you an anniversary present…because you know, DK and I are celebrating 25 in just a week.