The One With Emily Post at the Funeral

I went to Great Aunt Ruth’s funeral today. It was lovely, as funerals go. She was 83, and lived a full life. And I think she would forgive me for the things I am about to say.

I’m not exactly Emily Post, or Miss Manners, or anyone like that, but I can still tell you that when the nice bishop conducting the service asked for the third time for everyone to turn off their cell phones… I did. May I observe, hopefully without offending, that an inability to separate oneself from phone and internet service for the space of one hour to pay respects to a departed loved one might be cause for some self-examination. But I am not judging. In fact, despite the fact that multiple cell phones went off during the service, with very loud, long ringtones playing the latest Top Ten and the like, this is not even a pet peeve of mine. In fact, I am all for comic relief in a stressful situation. Even if it happens during the closing prayer. And even if the phone plays Kenny Chesney for a full three minutes from the purse left sitting on the front row by the nice lady giving the prayer. Bless her heart. I’m okay with all that.

But I would like to recommend something, if you are attending a funeral anytime soon (hey, you may be… you just never know about these things), and you know you are one of those people that simply won’t turn off the little lifeline in your pocket… again, not judging, here… for all I know you are a brain surgeon on call. You might be the one carrying the nuclear codes for the president. Your wife is going into labor at any moment. You may be the one with the key to World Peace In Our Time. You know who you are… you are not one of the little people… you are above the law. So I am just suggesting that you think ahead a little, and plan accordingly with a meaningful ringtone. For your convenience, I have compiled a list so that you don’t have to take time out of your busy schedule to do so.

And before I go, please allow me to express… my condolences.

Funeral Ringtone Playlist
Mariah Carey: I Can’t Live (If Living Is Without You)
Lonestar: One More Day
Coldplay: ‘Til Kingdom Come
A.F.I.: The Leaving Song
Norah Jones: Sinkin’ Soon
John Mayer: Dreaming With a Broken Heart
Avril Lavigne: My Happy Ending
Sarah McLaughlin: I Will Remember You
Barbra Streisand: The Way We Were
Boys Like Girls: The Great Escape
Elton John: Funeral For a Friend (or really, any Elton John song…let’s face it, the guy has a lot of dead friends; although Candle in the Wind is a little overdone, in my opinion)
Depeche Mode: Enjoy the Silence
All-American Rejects: One More Sad Song
Mormon Tabernacle Choir: God Be With You ‘Til We Meet Again
Journey: Who’s Crying Now?
Maroon 5: Sweetest Goodbye
Weezer: Haunt You Every Day
My Chemical Romance: Welcome to the Black Parade
Nickelback: If Today Was Your Last Day
Queen: Another One Bites the Dust
Bill Withers: Ain’t No Sunshine (When She’s Gone)
Ben Folds Five: One Angry Dwarf and 200 Solemn Faces (hmm.)
Saves the Day: At Your Funeral
The Wreckers: Lay Me Down

The One That Was Completely Blërgen

The cell phone bill came today. It was so big that it filled up the whole mailbox and made everything else all squished and bent. It is approximately one inch thick. We’re talking some major deforestation here. In fact, the metered postage on the bill was $2.53. You know you need to be worried when your bill is so large that it takes $2.53 to mail it! No, I haven’t opened it. No way. Heads are going to roll.

But not mine. I have been good this month. I try to only need to talk to people after 9:00 p.m., and as we have an unlimited text messaging plan, I have whole conversations via text message. Now, I really don’t like to complain, but I have to vent just a little bit here. DK noticed last week that his phone was not receiving good reception. So he swapped out the card from his phone into my phone, and took mine to work. My phone is already what I would maybe call “second generation.” In the same sense that Cain and Abel were second generation…namely, they came after the very first generation. Ever. So when I say that my cell phone is second generation, what I mean is, it is from the generation of cell phone right after the brick phones…the kind where you had to wear a back pack that contained a power generator and a three-foot antenna. And yet it still works better than DK’s phone, which actually quit entirely while I was at the courthouse on Tuesday.

When it quit, I began rummaging through the house for another cell phone in which to house the “spirit” of my deceased one. Dillon found me Casey’s old phone. It started out to be a good phone, but once a couple of Christmases ago, one of the kids (who prefers to remain anonymous) threw up in the car on the way to Grandma’s. Said vomit got all over Dillon’s jacket, and when we reached Grandma’s, we tossed the jacket into the washer. Unfortunately, the cell phone was stowed away in the pocket. Miraculously, the phone still works. But it makes me sound like I am underwater. And not in an endearing, Spongebob Squarepants sort of way, either.

But let me just say…I don’t ask for much when it comes to a cell phone. I am willing to endure the aquatic sound quality. I am even willing to carry around the “second generation.” Mostly what I care about is the texting. I teach the 16-18-year-old girls at church, and texting and Facebook are my primary methods of communication. So I decided I could just make do with the old Casey phone. Until today, when I realized that the phone, which Casey bought from a European seller on eBay, has Swedish as its native language, and all the predictive spelling is in Swedish. Instead of “Wow, that’s awesome!” I get “Rädda barnen!” (Save the children!) “I’m here to pick you up from track” turns into “Jag är snyggare naken.” (I am better-looking naked.) You can see why at this point one might lapse into uncomfortable texting silence.

I did figure out how to type in the word “yes,” however. So when one of my “girls” texted today, it went something like this:

“So, Sis. McD., do you think I am old enough to date a returned missionary?”

I had no option here. “Yes.”

“Cool! I’ll tell my mom you said that. He is really cute. I want to bring him over so you can meet him. You can make us some cookies!”

Me: “Yes.”

“Wow…you’re sure talkative today.” ☺

“Yes.”

In the words of my cell phone, “hjälp!”