Thursday, January 27, 2011

The One With the Dead Yak

Every day is full of decisions. It starts before I even get up. Turn off the alarm or hit the snooze? Say my prayers or forget? Cap’n Crunch or Reese’s Peanut Butter Puffs? Exercise or play on the computer? Curly or straight(er)? And then the real fun begins. There are about fifty different things I should get done today. Which of them do I do? They aren’t all going to fit. It reminds me of my favorite bit from Brian Regan, the comedian, where he is talking about trying to jam something in the overhead compartment on an airplane. You have this much room, and you have a DEAD YAK. That is my day. I’ve got this much room, and a dead yak.

However, it’s my dead yak. It’s all things I want to do. Even if I have to cut it up into a hundred little pieces, I am going to shove it into the compartment. And if I can’t fit it all in today, then I’ll work on it tomorrow. And I’m still going to find time for dinner with a friend. Even if it is a cold dead fish head. Served with a turnip. And a spork. ☺

Saturday, January 22, 2011

The One With the... What the...?

This is an actual screenshot I took from my Facebook page ad section yesterday. I looked. I read. I looked again. And again.

Am I the only one who thinks this is strange?

Friday, January 21, 2011

The One About Dillon

Dillon is funny. Most people don’t realize it because he tends to be quiet, but he is very funny. And sometimes surprising.

Yesterday we went through the drive-thru at Chick-Fil-A. That turned out to be a mistake, but that’s a whole other story. So this was the conversation.

Perky voice from speaker: “Welcome to Chick-Fil-A. My name is Delilah. How can I help you?”

Dillon: “Oh, hey there, Delilah. What’s it like in New York City?”


Okay, so that is probably not the first time she has ever heard that, but this is Dillon we’re talking about. So funny.

Later we were sitting there eating, and Dillon says, “Did you fold Skippy’s laundry? Because he wore the same shirt three times last week.” I was a little bit horrified by that and replied, “He did? I laid out his clothes for him every single morning.” Dillon: “Well, don’t worry about it. It was his camoflauge shirt. I’m sure no one saw him.”

Hahahahahahahaha! Oh, Dillon...

Be sure and check out my other blog for a great post from Garry.

Monday, January 17, 2011

The One Where She Was Snacky and Snarky

I wouldn’t ordinarily repost a recipe, but don’t judge me. This has been one of my hardest weeks in awhile, and when Sunday rolled around, I tore through the pantry with reckless abandon, feeling desperately snacky, and this was really the only thing that would do. In our house, we either call it Weasel Butt (if this makes no sense, the explanation for that is here) or Mormon Crack, which stems from its extremely addictive properties. Either way, you should probably make some right now and eat them.

Besides feeling snacky yesterday, I was also feeling a little snarky. Click here for snarky.

Friday, January 14, 2011

The One With the New Zodiac

I’m bound to offend someone here. AGAIN. But have you heard the news? Yes, they have changed the astrological signs. If, like me, you were a Taurus, you are now an Aries! Let’s face it… you have been living a lie.

Martha Stewart had to get stitches in her lip yesterday after being bitten by her own dog. A Mrs. Bell from Roscommon, Michigan, completed her 14-foot rendition of “The Last Supper” made entirely from dryer lint. Her family is fearful that they will never have clean clothes ever again. Just this morning, a South Carolina man had to remove the dyed-pink male genital parts from the snowman in his front yard in order to avoid arrest. Burglars in Germany become stuck in an elevator while trying to reach a higher floor, and had to call the police for help. Clearly these people were suffering the effects of the wrong horoscope.

How many snowmen must be castrated before we stop the madness?

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

The One With the Tom Selleck Poster

I don’t have a bucket list, and honestly, even if I did, these things would probably not be on the list. But I have to celebrate small milestones (you should note that I very carefully did not call them accomplishments… so be warned). Let’s cross ‘em off.

1. Be the best man at a friend’s wedding. Yes, I got to give the “best man” toast at Andrew’s wedding on Saturday. Good times.

2. Made a basket from Larry’s sidewalk across the street. It’s not quite a half-court shot, but it is pretty far just the same.

3. Went a week without logging onto Facebook. It was nice.

4. Went a week without washing my hair. No, I’m just kidding about that one. I could never. My hair gets curlier and tanglier and about an inch shorter every day I don’t wash it. After a week, I would probably have to just shave it all off.

5. Watched an entire episode of Castle. This is Cambria and DK’s show, and I usually wander off. I stuck through the whole Nikki Heat episode.

6. Ate every last piece of the peanut butter chocolate fudge that my neighbor brought over for the family. I don’t think anyone else would have liked it, so obviously it was a kindness I performed. And since I am feeling slightly confessional right now, I will go ahead and admit that I ate that whole container of triple peanut butter ice cream in the freezer… the one with the chunks of Reese’s, as well as an alarming number of the Snicker’s Peanut Butter squares DK brought home from Costco. They were delicious. And crunchy.

7. Bought a dress for Casey’s wedding on sale AND two months before the wedding. Now I just have to watch the peanut butter intake for a couple of months.

Now, one last little gem:

There are so many great things about this, it is hard to decide which is the best. Is it my haircut, which might be described as kind of a mullet? Is it the fact that I have my hands on the creepy guy that was my roommate’s boyfriend (whom, incidentally and distastefully, I found naked in my apartment that semester)? All good, but NO… it’s the Tom Selleck poster!!! Oh, Tom...

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

The One Where She Keeps it Fresh

It’s trash day, and it is time to say goodbye to the dead tree. And any lingering Christmas decorations will be tucked into the room under the stairs (yes, we have one of those… Harry Potter would be quite comfortable). Last year in the middle of March I was walking down our street on trash day, and spotted this:

Some people just really don’t like to throw anything away. I do. I think that along with the tree, a few more things from 2010 should be out by the basketball hoop waiting for the trash guy.

Here are some of my suggestions. Feel free to add your own.

The show Bridalplasty on E! Network. Where 12 women compete to win a dream wedding and the plastic surgery of their dreams. Oh. My. Gosh.

My home phone land line. Bye bye.

LOL. And no, I’m not laughing. You know who you are: Stop saying that.

The Shake Weight. Particularly the ads for it, but probably the actual device, too. Enough said.

Dinner With Schmucks. The worst movie I watched in 2010. Well, most of it… I couldn’t actually get more than about halfway through it.

Denny’s Fried Cheese Melt. They put fried mozzarella sticks inside a grilled cheese sandwich. I’m all for enjoying a big juicy burger now and again, and not think about the nutritional value. But come on… a fried cheese melt? That is just wrong.

Ke$ha. Because, gross.

The BCS. Oh, and while we’re at it, any remaining footage of Kyle Brotzman’s failed punts at the end of that Boise State v. Nevada game. ESPN should lose them and never speak of them again.

Kurt on Glee. Dear Kurt, you have hijacked a fun show and made it all about your sexual preferences. Can we have our show back, please?

California Lottery Tickets. They were supposed to ensure that our kids had the best education, with no school budget cuts… um, what?

He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named (President what’s-his-face that I never think about). Next, please.

Prius. Just because it is getting annoying.

Checking your texts during church.

Global warming. Because it isn’t actually a real thing.

And what the heck… while we’re at it,
Microsoft products
customer “support” lines
AT&T’s data plans
shoes that lace up (come on… it’s like the shoe version of a rotary phone)
cameras on stoplights
homework and

Done, and done.