Was there a new iMac loaded with extra RAM and a super-duper hunky-dory 500 gig hard drive, preloaded with Logic Studio and covered by three years of Applecare under my Christmas tree? I don't think so. Let me check through the dry needles littering the carpet under my dead tree just one more time. Nope. No computer. Not even so much as a teensy weensy flash drive. But not to worry... Christmas is not about presents. Which is evidenced by this wonderful collection of gifts that you may or may not have found under your own tree.
1. The Razorba Back Hair Shaver. Yup. It's a shaver for those tricky places you can't reach. I don't have much hair on my back. But I did know this guy who was pretty much bald on top, who had so much body hair that it was like a pelt. The fur poked out from under the cuffs of his long-sleeved dress shirts. It peeked above his button-down collar. I never saw his feet, but I picture something along the lines of Hobbit feet. I can only imagine how the Razorba could have changed his life.
2. Casserole Caddy. Yes, this little beauty carries your tuna casserole in style, and then doubles as a lovely placemat when you reach your destination. I actually found two of these under my own Christmas tree. Imagine my happy surprise! I have to guess that this is the basic, or generic model. I have a most quaint and picturesque calico version. What a great idea!
3. The Hot Pink Nutcracker Sweater. This is only one of the countless Christmas sweaters with which you could have been blessed this season. A beautiful specimen. You know you have a favorite at home in your closet.
4. "A White Trash Christmas" CD. This is one of those CDs that you will want to listen to the whole year through. Included are such classics as "Osama Got Run Over by a Reindeer" and "The Little Hooter Girl.
5. Finger Nose Hair Trimmer. I know... right? A trimmer in the shape of a human finger. Fun and practical. I haven't tried this one out, but I understand that it is equally effective on ear hair. I was attracted to this one for so many reasons... not the least of which is, I think I know this guy. He lives on my street.
6. Ann Coulter Talking Doll. Push the button, and Ms. Coulter will deliver such witty one-liners as "Liberals can't just come out and say they want to take more of our money, kill babies, and discriminate on the basis of race," or "Swing voters are more appropriately known as the 'idiot voters' because they have no set of philosophical principles. By the age of fourteen, you're either a Conservative or a Liberal if you have an IQ above a toaster." Or, my personal favorite: "Why not go to war just for oil? We need oil. What do Hollywood celebrities imagine fuels their private jets? How do they think their cocaine is delivered to them?"
7. Obama Limited Edition "Batmobama and Robiden" Giclee. In case the Ann Coulter doll is not up your alley, this one is sure to please... My favorite part is Sarah Palan as Catwoman. This is a true original.
8. "Miss Vera's Cross-dress For Success" Guide by Veronica Vera. Didn't get one? Probably a good thing. This is only for that very special someone on your shopping list.
9. The Jitterbug. This one had to make the list. It is an oldster-friendly cell phone. It has giant numbers for the visually challenged. Operator-assisted phone calling... and the best darn jingle on TV. It's a must-have.
10. And in case you didn't save up any of your cash for any of those after-Christmas sales, here is a budget-friendly alternative. These little beauties are marked down to move quick.