Tuesday, February 10, 2009

The One Where She Admits She Hasn't Been Listening

There is this thing that I have done ever since I can remember. Sometimes when I am playing the piano, at the end of a song that moves me, I like to hold the sustain pedal, and lay my head on the piano, so that I can listen to the final chord reverberate through the soundboard, and feel it with my whole body. Sometimes I can hear it for an entire minute, , and even after my human ear fails to hear it, I stay there for a few more moments, knowing that the sound is still there, even if I can’t hear it anymore.

I haven’t done that in a couple of months…because I haven’t been listening to any music. At all. I don’t play the play the piano, nor so much as look at my ipod. I don’t even listen to music in the car, preferring to drive in silence. And believe me when I tell you that giving piano lessons does not (with a few small exceptions) qualify as listening to music.

When I confided my self-imposed code of silence to a friend, she asked if perhaps I was listening for inspiration. The answer is quite the opposite. I have been running from it. Lately, though, the music has been finding me…just as I lie down to sleep at night. Maybe in the clamor of the day, I simply find it easier to ignore, but the moment I close my eyes, my heart starts to pound, and the music roars through my head. My busy mind betrays me, as, despite my best efforts to fall asleep, it plays with the music, trying new melodies, composing lyrics…making arrangements in the dark as I toss restlessly.

I think I have been running from the music because of a lack of faith. It is not God I have been doubting, but I am afraid I have not been trusting enough in His plan for me. And it is no wonder…nothing good ever happens when you stop listening. But I have ears to hear. Today I will listen. I am going to stop and face the music. Maybe I’ll start by listening to one of my own songs, to remind myself why I’m doing this. So tell me…are you listening?


Carolyn said...

I found your blog through Mormon Moms Who Blog. Yours was the first I looked at and I was pleasantly surprised by your fine writing and beautifully designed page.

About your post, I think I feel the same way you do about music, although it surprises me that you would stop listening to it for the very reason that I never could. I am a musician and sometimes I feel like I breathe music. And when I do, that is when the spirit touches me like it can in no other way.

Sometimes my husband will say that he has never felt emotionally impacted by music. It baffles me and, to a certain extent, I am sure it is untrue. But what it does mean is that some people are not as affected by it as others. I can't listen to good music without having my faith and determination bolstered, without feeling the power of God's love.

You need your music back.

Trevor and Colette Riley said...

I really liked that post. It is so funny because you really can get so lost in what is going around you especially with children. My family is just starting out and I too feel the same way by putting things off even though it calls out to me. I did that with art! When we are given a gift we should use that to bless others I learned this at a young age yet the concept can be easier said then done. I know many people have been touched by your beautiful songs I know I have.

Lisa--aka The Gardenweasel said...

Maybe you are finally figuring out what the rest of us have known all along--music and writing are what you are meant to do. Don't hide, Jonah.

Kris Olson said...

I'm listening! And (not so) patiently waiting for the recording to begin!!