Should I be worried? Proceeding on the assumption that Facebook knows me better than I know myself (which, albeit a stretch, is not entirely outside the realm of possibility), I am becoming increasingly bothered by the messages which appear in the sidebar of my Facebook profile. These are “smart ads.” They have been custom-selected for me, based on…well, I actually don’t know. My age? My photo? My number of friends? The sarcasm level of my wall posts? I visit my friends’ profiles, and their ads say things like, “Join the Thomas S. Monson fan club!” or “Enjoy adventures in Yosemite!” But not mine.
First, I have been invited to participate in a schizophrenia study. In fact, in recent days, “invited” has been upgraded to “strongly urged.” I may qualify to receive compensation for time and travel (up to $4000). Hmmm. $4000? Mama needs a new microphone…I’m going to have to seriously consider that one. Can you get schizophrenia from low self-esteem? Because it seems I also struggle with wrinkles, obesity and a Troubling Sleep Disorder.
The good news is that half of Hollywood women harbor a secret wrinkle remedy which, if I can somehow learn, I can look 25 again. I can lose 5-50 pounds using the secret Acai blend favored by Rachel Ray and Oprah (yes, I invoked the “O” word…it must be true). As far as the Troubling Sleep Disorder goes, this one is kind of sticky. I actually didn’t know it was troubling. I should probably ask DK about that one. I always imagined he thought it was cute how I walk and talk in my sleep. Although there was that one time where I went walking in my sleep all through the Hotel Monaco in Salt Lake City. That was slightly troubling. If I hadn’t been wearing any pajamas, I suppose I couldn’t qualify it with “slightly.” It would have been just plain troubling.
But even if I do have a Troubling Sleep Disorder, do I really want them to send me this?
I’m not sure it is a good idea to cure sleep apnea. After all, isn’t that the dream?…to peacefully die in my sleep at that point when the schizophrenia, wrinkles and obesity have finally won the day?