Wednesday, April 15, 2009

The One With the Stroke of Genius

Cox High-Speed Internet did not come up with this idea themselves…it is just too good. But someone, somewhere, had this amazing brainchild: When people have problems with their internet, or with accessing their e-mail, you offer live chat. And when they take you up on your kind offer, you route their chat to people in Mexico, India and I don’t even know where else. Maybe Nicaragua…Guam. Timbuktu. Anywhere where you can pay a nine-year-old 37 cents an hour to sit in front of a computer screen and practice their English using a pre-determined set of automated responses. It is wonderful, and I think I am going to adapt it for parental use.

Mom, I’m hungry. Would you like to initiate a Live Chat at this time?
Um, I guess? I’m just hungry. We appreciate your business. Please be patient, as you are currently number 18 in our queue. 17… 16…
Okay, I’ll just make a PBJ. Excellent. Thank you for choosing us as your parental providers. Is there anything else we can help you with this evening?
Well, I need help on my Spanish homework. Would you like to initiate a live chat at this time?
I thought we were already having a live chat. Thank you for your patience. You are next in the queue.
Mom, I just need you to look at my Spanish paper. We are going to need a little more information in order to help you. Please have your class description, textbook, Spanish-English Dictionary and a note from your teacher handy. What is the specific problem you are experiencing?
I need you to proofread my essay. I am sorry for any inconvenience this problem may be causing.
It is not a problem. I just need you to look at it. I am sorry, but we can’t reliably provide advice on third-party products.
It isn’t a third-party product. I just wrote it myself. Please unplug everything in the room, wait for the count of 30 and then plug it back in. I will wait here until you have completed this.
I’m just going to go ask Dad to look at my paper. Excellent. Thank you for choosing us as your parental providers. Is there anything else I can help you with this evening?
You didn’t help me with anything. We truly value your patronage. Have a good evening.
>>Victoria has closed the chat and left the room.<<

What an idea. In the words of Steve Martin in the movie Roxanne: “I think it's brilliant! What an idea! And I was there! He took the idea! He saw it ripe on the tree, he plucked it, and he put it in his pocket. It's…it's… dare I say... genius? Ah, no, NO! But maybe, ooh! ah! maybe it is! Maybe I'm in the presence of greatness, Maybe I just don't know it. But I saw it...”

12 comments:

The family said...

okay this post is so brilliant. I love it.

shelby said...

definately slept through Roxanne when we watched it in english....

Tyler said...

Shelby you missed a lot of great life experiences already by sleeping through one of the best filmed life lessons you will ever have.

That is way mean mom. If you do it, i will change parental provider to get get better customer service and a more personal touch. And what happens to the missionary son who cannot open a chat?...

Victoria said...

Tyler, would you like to initiate a live chat? Oh, sorry, we are currently experiencing some technical difficulties. Please try back in a few hours. Your business is important to us. Thank you for choosing us as your parental provider.

McD Three said...

HA HA, I'm with Tyler on this one.

Tyler said...

Iam switching providers if anyone knows any good ones. They need to play the Piano like a pro, bake homemade bread daily, cooking advice and recipes, when needed, good at blogging... so if you know of any one, have them respond back.

JUST ME, THE MOM said...

Ha hee hee, awwwhhh! Still laughing . . . BTW, do you have an 800 number, I could make a few referrals! But, yes, you may need an alternative arrangement for the missionary son:)

Kristin

Carolyn said...

You are the genius!

Great post.

Jan the crazy lady said...

That is so funny. I love Tylers little dibs in comment and your reply. This makes your blog even funner.

Great post.

Lisa--aka The Gardenweasel said...

This post is brilliant as is the idea. I am going to use it for all aspects of my life! You are a genius> Maybe I will hire Tyler to be my service provider. Everyone needs a live chat service OR a Housewife. I am searching for mine.

Cherie said...

This is a hilarious concept - Love it but I also have to say I am loving the bantering in the comment section - too funny!

Amy said...

i love coming here. you crack me up.