The One With the Stroke of Genius

Cox High-Speed Internet did not come up with this idea themselves…it is just too good. But someone, somewhere, had this amazing brainchild: When people have problems with their internet, or with accessing their e-mail, you offer live chat. And when they take you up on your kind offer, you route their chat to people in Mexico, India and I don’t even know where else. Maybe Nicaragua…Guam. Timbuktu. Anywhere where you can pay a nine-year-old 37 cents an hour to sit in front of a computer screen and practice their English using a pre-determined set of automated responses. It is wonderful, and I think I am going to adapt it for parental use.

Mom, I’m hungry. Would you like to initiate a Live Chat at this time?
Um, I guess? I’m just hungry. We appreciate your business. Please be patient, as you are currently number 18 in our queue. 17… 16…
Okay, I’ll just make a PBJ. Excellent. Thank you for choosing us as your parental providers. Is there anything else we can help you with this evening?
Well, I need help on my Spanish homework. Would you like to initiate a live chat at this time?
I thought we were already having a live chat. Thank you for your patience. You are next in the queue.
Mom, I just need you to look at my Spanish paper. We are going to need a little more information in order to help you. Please have your class description, textbook, Spanish-English Dictionary and a note from your teacher handy. What is the specific problem you are experiencing?
I need you to proofread my essay. I am sorry for any inconvenience this problem may be causing.
It is not a problem. I just need you to look at it. I am sorry, but we can’t reliably provide advice on third-party products.
It isn’t a third-party product. I just wrote it myself. Please unplug everything in the room, wait for the count of 30 and then plug it back in. I will wait here until you have completed this.
I’m just going to go ask Dad to look at my paper. Excellent. Thank you for choosing us as your parental providers. Is there anything else I can help you with this evening?
You didn’t help me with anything. We truly value your patronage. Have a good evening.
>>Victoria has closed the chat and left the room.<<

What an idea. In the words of Steve Martin in the movie Roxanne: “I think it's brilliant! What an idea! And I was there! He took the idea! He saw it ripe on the tree, he plucked it, and he put it in his pocket. It's…it's… dare I say... genius? Ah, no, NO! But maybe, ooh! ah! maybe it is! Maybe I'm in the presence of greatness, Maybe I just don't know it. But I saw it...”