Monday, June 8, 2009

The One With the Imelda Marcos Gene

I wasn’t even throwing the stuff away. It was going to Goodwill. Deseret Industries. The thrift store… whatever. Blessing the less fortunate (although what they are going to do with some really short tuxedo pants, three Ralph’s uniforms and a really skinny boy scout uniform, I don’t know. But I don’t care.) While I hate straightening and organizing with a white-hot passion, sometimes it has to be done.

I am actually fine with sorting and tossing. But that is because I was not born with that gene. You know the one. It causes one to feel mild discomfort throwing away anything made of paper. If the item is made of something slightly more substantial, such as cardboard, rotting food or photo paper, the discomfort is greatly intensified. Throwing away anything made of cloth, glass, leather or wood is physically impossible. It is like trying to escape earth’s gravity. Jump as high as you can… you are still going to come crashing down. Remember Imelda Marcos? When she and Ferdinand were exiled from the Phillipines in 1986, she was said to have left behind 15 mink coats, 508 gowns, 888 handbags and 1060 pairs of shoes. Okay, so she had an underlying problem. Newsweek recently cited her as being one of the “Most Greedy People of All Time.” But face it, the woman could not throw anything away (and is it me? or does it look like she forgot to remove the cardboard inserts from her sleeves?)

I figured out Skippy got the gene. He inherited it from DK. I learned a long time ago that if I am going to throw anything away, I have to wait until DK goes out of town. Or slip it into the trash right before the trash collector comes around. I have found him pulling stuff out that I have thrown away on numerous occasions. Just last week I tried to throw away an archaic piece of computer equipment. I thought it was gone. Nope. I just tripped over in the side yard this morning. He is sly, that one. This morning in the course of doing laundry, I took a good look at what passes for his “casual wardrobe.” It is not good. Honey, the 80’s called. They said they don’t even want any of that stuff back. You know how when you see some guy in line at the grocery store with a scruffy beard and long hair wearing work boots and a beer belly hanging over really short cutoffs, and you set your groceries down next to his egg salad and tallboy Budweiser and think, “Oh, that poor guy. Not married. If he had a wife, she would never let him leave the house in that.” Yeah. It’s like that. I think it’s time for some new jeans, DK. I have thrown away the old ones, and I defy you to find them.

So Saturday I kicked two white trash bags down the stairs. They were full of outgrown clothing. Like I said from the beginning, they were not going to the trash, but to the thrift store. Skippy spotted them, and began running his hands over the outside of the bags. I gave one another good kick toward the door. And then I noticed that Skippy was fighting back tears. Surprised, I asked him, “What’s the matter, bud? Are we giving away something you really wanted to keep?” I’m not a monster, for goodness’ sake. It is not like I was trying to give away his favorite blankie or something. “Uh-huh,” he nodded. “Well, what is it, Skip?” At this point, he burst into tears and buried his head in my leg. “I don’t know!” he sobbed. “I can’t see what’s in there!”

So I live with collectors. What do you collect? Here is my missionary board, with all the missionaries I have collected over the past few years...

P.S. As with all my photos, click to enlarge!
(Unless the photo is of my FACE)


Carolyn said...

I am sooooo lucky my MIL didn't pass her mutated version of the gene to my hubby. (Two barns, an old farm house, and a two-story garage full. FULL I tell you!) I was born completely without and can fill up a garbage can or goodwill bag in record time. I never look back.

Once in a while he tries to save something and I only have to give him the 'look' and he forlornly puts it back in the trash. I am so mean.

dk/kh (Kevin) said...

OK, Cupcake. It's ON! It's on like Ping Pong (or whatever else they play in the Philippines). What? You don't think I can get a 'new' pair of jeans from the '80s, from my little friend eBay? Stonewash, baby.

Word: Subjeri--less serious than perjury.

BTW, I had to put Skippy on the payroll to watch for suspicious white bags heading for the curb. Keep the faith, Skip!

Black Lakes said...

WHAT?! How much is he being paid? I don't even get an allowance. There's kid who lives down the street who gets paid to do his chores AND gets an allowance. I don't get PAID!

Victoria said...

Simmer down, Cam. Your dad can't be paying him much, because he asks me for money all the time. What does a five-year-old need with money, anyway???

Lisa--aka The Gardenweasel said...

I don't collect stuff, do I? I LOVE to throw stuff away. In fact, I tend to throw useful items away.

Right now, I have big rolltop desk that just needs a home.

have truck, will deliver.

Victoria said...

Lisa, you are in a state of denial. You collect the weirdest stuff ever. How about when Ethan brought home that awful red chair that they pulled out of the performing arts center when they refurbished it, and I was trying to figure out a way to throw it away, you put it in your truck!

Jan the crazy lady said...

I am a thrower. My husband is a collector. Ugh how we live. But it's good to have a little of both.

I adore your missionary board. A lot.

Tyler said...

There is a sweet feeling you get when you throw away stuff. If it is not yours it is that much stronger, to the point that an evil laugh will sometime slip out.

DAD- it is not the stone wash that is the problem it is the cut. Costco jeans are the same way, do not get them. Get some jeans that are relaxed or boot cut, they are more comfortable like a good pair of slacks.

ps i like how the only name you can read is the ogre's.

Victoria said...

Ty. So you know why you can read the ogre's missionary card, right? He gradually, over the course of six months here, covered up most of the other cards on the board with his own. I think there are about 15 of his up there, with other missionaries hiding under them:) Last month he wrote us a letter, and enclosed one... in case we were running low.

Debbie said...

That missionary board is awesome!

I collect shotglasses, postcards and loveable comments from my kids.

JUST ME, THE MOM said...

Hee Hee, I can relate . . . I just finally decided I could part with a leather jacket that I just saw I was wearing in a photo in my babies (17 year old baby)baby book. (Looking for OLD photos for a slideshow). Gee, have I really had it THAT long, and I'm sure it's been years since I've worn it. Didn't really even like it all that well in the FIRST place! Kinda felt good, surely someone out that will LOVE it :)