I went to Great Aunt Ruth’s funeral today. It was lovely, as funerals go. She was 83, and lived a full life. And I think she would forgive me for the things I am about to say.
I’m not exactly Emily Post, or Miss Manners, or anyone like that, but I can still tell you that when the nice bishop conducting the service asked for the third time for everyone to turn off their cell phones… I did. May I observe, hopefully without offending, that an inability to separate oneself from phone and internet service for the space of one hour to pay respects to a departed loved one might be cause for some self-examination. But I am not judging. In fact, despite the fact that multiple cell phones went off during the service, with very loud, long ringtones playing the latest Top Ten and the like, this is not even a pet peeve of mine. In fact, I am all for comic relief in a stressful situation. Even if it happens during the closing prayer. And even if the phone plays Kenny Chesney for a full three minutes from the purse left sitting on the front row by the nice lady giving the prayer. Bless her heart. I’m okay with all that.
But I would like to recommend something, if you are attending a funeral anytime soon (hey, you may be… you just never know about these things), and you know you are one of those people that simply won’t turn off the little lifeline in your pocket… again, not judging, here… for all I know you are a brain surgeon on call. You might be the one carrying the nuclear codes for the president. Your wife is going into labor at any moment. You may be the one with the key to World Peace In Our Time. You know who you are… you are not one of the little people… you are above the law. So I am just suggesting that you think ahead a little, and plan accordingly with a meaningful ringtone. For your convenience, I have compiled a list so that you don’t have to take time out of your busy schedule to do so.
And before I go, please allow me to express… my condolences.
Funeral Ringtone Playlist
Mariah Carey: I Can’t Live (If Living Is Without You)
Lonestar: One More Day
Coldplay: ‘Til Kingdom Come
A.F.I.: The Leaving Song
Norah Jones: Sinkin’ Soon
John Mayer: Dreaming With a Broken Heart
Avril Lavigne: My Happy Ending
Sarah McLaughlin: I Will Remember You
Barbra Streisand: The Way We Were
Boys Like Girls: The Great Escape
Elton John: Funeral For a Friend (or really, any Elton John song…let’s face it, the guy has a lot of dead friends; although Candle in the Wind is a little overdone, in my opinion)
Depeche Mode: Enjoy the Silence
All-American Rejects: One More Sad Song
Mormon Tabernacle Choir: God Be With You ‘Til We Meet Again
Journey: Who’s Crying Now?
Maroon 5: Sweetest Goodbye
Weezer: Haunt You Every Day
My Chemical Romance: Welcome to the Black Parade
Nickelback: If Today Was Your Last Day
Queen: Another One Bites the Dust
Bill Withers: Ain’t No Sunshine (When She’s Gone)
Ben Folds Five: One Angry Dwarf and 200 Solemn Faces (hmm.)
Saves the Day: At Your Funeral
The Wreckers: Lay Me Down