The One About Dillon

Dillon is funny. Most people don’t realize it because he tends to be quiet, but he is very funny. And sometimes surprising.

Yesterday we went through the drive-thru at Chick-Fil-A. That turned out to be a mistake, but that’s a whole other story. So this was the conversation.

Perky voice from speaker: “Welcome to Chick-Fil-A. My name is Delilah. How can I help you?”

Dillon: “Oh, hey there, Delilah. What’s it like in New York City?”

Silence.

Okay, so that is probably not the first time she has ever heard that, but this is Dillon we’re talking about. So funny.

Later we were sitting there eating, and Dillon says, “Did you fold Skippy’s laundry? Because he wore the same shirt three times last week.” I was a little bit horrified by that and replied, “He did? I laid out his clothes for him every single morning.” Dillon: “Well, don’t worry about it. It was his camoflauge shirt. I’m sure no one saw him.”

Hahahahahahahaha! Oh, Dillon...


Be sure and check out my other blog for a great post from Garry.

The One Where She Was Snacky and Snarky

I wouldn’t ordinarily repost a recipe, but don’t judge me. This has been one of my hardest weeks in awhile, and when Sunday rolled around, I tore through the pantry with reckless abandon, feeling desperately snacky, and this was really the only thing that would do. In our house, we either call it Weasel Butt (if this makes no sense, the explanation for that is here) or Mormon Crack, which stems from its extremely addictive properties. Either way, you should probably make some right now and eat them.

Besides feeling snacky yesterday, I was also feeling a little snarky. Click here for snarky.

Weasel Butt/Mormon Crack Recipe

The One With the New Zodiac

I’m bound to offend someone here. AGAIN. But have you heard the news? Yes, they have changed the astrological signs. If, like me, you were a Taurus, you are now an Aries! Let’s face it… you have been living a lie.

Martha Stewart had to get stitches in her lip yesterday after being bitten by her own dog. A Mrs. Bell from Roscommon, Michigan, completed her 14-foot rendition of “The Last Supper” made entirely from dryer lint. Her family is fearful that they will never have clean clothes ever again. Just this morning, a South Carolina man had to remove the dyed-pink male genital parts from the snowman in his front yard in order to avoid arrest. Burglars in Germany become stuck in an elevator while trying to reach a higher floor, and had to call the police for help. Clearly these people were suffering the effects of the wrong horoscope.

How many snowmen must be castrated before we stop the madness?

The One With the Tom Selleck Poster

I don’t have a bucket list, and honestly, even if I did, these things would probably not be on the list. But I have to celebrate small milestones (you should note that I very carefully did not call them accomplishments… so be warned). Let’s cross ‘em off.

1. Be the best man at a friend’s wedding. Yes, I got to give the “best man” toast at Andrew’s wedding on Saturday. Good times.

2. Made a basket from Larry’s sidewalk across the street. It’s not quite a half-court shot, but it is pretty far just the same.

3. Went a week without logging onto Facebook. It was nice.

4. Went a week without washing my hair. No, I’m just kidding about that one. I could never. My hair gets curlier and tanglier and about an inch shorter every day I don’t wash it. After a week, I would probably have to just shave it all off.

5. Watched an entire episode of Castle. This is Cambria and DK’s show, and I usually wander off. I stuck through the whole Nikki Heat episode.

6. Ate every last piece of the peanut butter chocolate fudge that my neighbor brought over for the family. I don’t think anyone else would have liked it, so obviously it was a kindness I performed. And since I am feeling slightly confessional right now, I will go ahead and admit that I ate that whole container of triple peanut butter ice cream in the freezer… the one with the chunks of Reese’s, as well as an alarming number of the Snicker’s Peanut Butter squares DK brought home from Costco. They were delicious. And crunchy.

7. Bought a dress for Casey’s wedding on sale AND two months before the wedding. Now I just have to watch the peanut butter intake for a couple of months.

Now, one last little gem:

There are so many great things about this, it is hard to decide which is the best. Is it my haircut, which might be described as kind of a mullet? Is it the fact that I have my hands on the creepy guy that was my roommate’s boyfriend (whom, incidentally and distastefully, I found naked in my apartment that semester)? All good, but NO… it’s the Tom Selleck poster!!! Oh, Tom...

The One Where She Keeps it Fresh

It’s trash day, and it is time to say goodbye to the dead tree. And any lingering Christmas decorations will be tucked into the room under the stairs (yes, we have one of those… Harry Potter would be quite comfortable). Last year in the middle of March I was walking down our street on trash day, and spotted this:

Some people just really don’t like to throw anything away. I do. I think that along with the tree, a few more things from 2010 should be out by the basketball hoop waiting for the trash guy.

Here are some of my suggestions. Feel free to add your own.

The show Bridalplasty on E! Network. Where 12 women compete to win a dream wedding and the plastic surgery of their dreams. Oh. My. Gosh.

My home phone land line. Bye bye.

LOL. And no, I’m not laughing. You know who you are: Stop saying that.

The Shake Weight. Particularly the ads for it, but probably the actual device, too. Enough said.

Dinner With Schmucks. The worst movie I watched in 2010. Well, most of it… I couldn’t actually get more than about halfway through it.

Denny’s Fried Cheese Melt. They put fried mozzarella sticks inside a grilled cheese sandwich. I’m all for enjoying a big juicy burger now and again, and not think about the nutritional value. But come on… a fried cheese melt? That is just wrong.

Ke$ha. Because, gross.

The BCS. Oh, and while we’re at it, any remaining footage of Kyle Brotzman’s failed punts at the end of that Boise State v. Nevada game. ESPN should lose them and never speak of them again.

Kurt on Glee. Dear Kurt, you have hijacked a fun show and made it all about your sexual preferences. Can we have our show back, please?

California Lottery Tickets. They were supposed to ensure that our kids had the best education, with no school budget cuts… um, what?

He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named (President what’s-his-face that I never think about). Next, please.

Prius. Just because it is getting annoying.

Checking your texts during church.

Global warming. Because it isn’t actually a real thing.

And what the heck… while we’re at it,
Microsoft products
customer “support” lines
AT&T’s data plans
shoes that lace up (come on… it’s like the shoe version of a rotary phone)
cameras on stoplights
phonebooks
homework and
salad.

Done, and done.

The One Right After Christmas

I thought about taking down Christmas decorations, but the mere thought made me tired. So I changed the background on the blog instead. Mission accomplished! We have to take these small victories where we find them, right?

Things have been crazy around here. But here is the catch-up in a nutshell.

1. Reese. This is an alias... to go with Skippy and Jif. I like it. I am a Reese's fan from way back. Yes, I have a granddaughter. That is pretty crazy. She was born on December 5th, and she is entirely beautiful. She was 8 lbs. 12 oz. and has just the littlest bit of blonde hair and fair skin. We are all pretty much smitten by her.

2. Casey is engaged to Hannah. Score! They are to be married March 12th in the Salt Lake Temple. We are having an open house here on March 19th, and no, I have no plans. Hmm. Should get on that. Hannah is amazing, and we are pretty excited to get another girl in the family.

3. If you didn't read my last post, I am up to my eyeballs in writing Christmas songs. I know... Christmas just happened. But for Christmas 2011 there is to be a new CD and CONCERTS! As of today, the Bell Tower in Rancho Santa Margarita has been booked for December 16th and 17th, 2011 for the concerts. I am super excited about that. I have started a new blog about it with my friend Garry, and I would so so so so so appreciate it if you would go over there and check it out, and click to Follow the blog, and please pretty please leave comments. Some bloggy love would be so nice. We are posting over there every single week ALL YEAR! It is scary and fun and exciting all at once.

A few more days without school, and I am trying my best to finish writing some music, so send me some bloggy love and maybe a casserole. xoxo

The One With the NEW BLOG!!!

It is official... the new blog is launched for the new project! What is the new project, you ask? Well, it is a new Christmas CD for 2011, packed with new original music and some fun traditional carols. I am doing the project with a great partner... my friend Garry Pfile, and we are currently in the process of writing songs and planning the new CD. But that is not all! We are also going to be hosting two concerts at the Belltower in Rancho Santa Margarita, California on December 16th and 17th, 2011. They are going to be amazing, and feature all of the great soloists from the CD. We will perform favorites from “It’s All About the Baby” in addition to the new CD, and some great familiar tunes.

The concerts will be free, but we expect to run out of tickets almost as soon as we release them. But YOU can guarantee that you get tickets... I am running a contest that runs through Monday, December 27th. I will draw three winners at random. Those three winners will each receive: 1) Two VIP seating tickets for the concert on the night of their choice, 2) “It’s All About the Baby” CD (mailed next week)... and 3) one of the first of the new CDs off the press (mailed the first week of November, 2011).

Here is how you can be entered in the contest: WE WANT FOLLOWERS! Our new blog is going to be very fun, and will feature sneak peeks of songs (the first one is already up on the blog!) and new posts at least once a week for the ENTIRE YEAR. So for one entry, please become a follower of the NEW blog. For another entry, leave a comment on the new blog. For additional entries, you can post the contest on your own blog or Facebook, or tweet it if you would rather. Just send me a quick e-mail HERE to let me know. It would be great if you would include a link to the post or tweet.

So please... give us your support and enjoy our initial version of the first song from the new CD... just go HERE, LISTEN... and check back often!

The One With the CDs

Well, it took a little doing, but I have my new shipment of CDs. I am shipping them the same day the order is received, so you can have CDs within a couple of days. So go here and order, or you can go here to listen to the songs and get all excited for your CDs to arrive. They are Christ-centered, but non-denominational, so they make a great stocking stuffer or gift for anyone on your list. In fact, last night for an activity, we took them by to firehouses and the homes of people who are ill or have suffered a loss, and we were going to just skip the home of our Jewish friends who recently lost a young son... but when they saw the CDs, they were so excited to have one. So hey... you just never know. I would love to send you some. So quick! Order!

The One With Skippy’s Little Crush

On Black Friday I took all the girlfriends plus Skippy to Borders for a little outing. Hannah looked at wedding books (yes, she and Casey got engaged on Wednesday...), Katie found Anti-Monopoly, Kim looked at cookbooks, Cam coveted City of Ashes, and Skippy... well, he had his heart set on Giada. Like father, like son.

The One Where She Takes Over the World

Okay, so I haven’t taken over the world. But it is not for lack of trying. There is this crazy little iPhone game that I can’t resist. It is called Wordsworth, and what is so fun about it is that you play other people. And, in my case, you often beat them. I am just the teensiest little bit competitive. (just a skoch)

When you win games, your VP, or vocab power, increases, and when you lose, it decreases. This VP amounts to a ranking of sorts, and the game is connected to the iPhone app Game Center, which lets you compete against a lot of other people. And as of this writing, my VP is 1643, and I am currently #23. IN THE WORLD. If you want to buy the app and play me, my UN (username) is Vixlove. But if you have a VP of under 1300, I won’t accept your game request. I have standards. Did I mention I am #23 IN THE WORLD? Just saying.

The One with Skippy and the Secret Ingredient

DK here. I just hacked Cupcake's blog. She went out for a walk this morning, leaving me in charge of Skippy's breakfast. Cereal, fried egg or cinnamon toast? He choose the fried egg. Funny kid. So I am making the egg. I show him how to season it: a little salt, a little pepper and the secret ingredient. Do you know what the secret ingredient is, Skip? ‘Danger?’   Obviously he is a follower of his Mother's blog.
No, not danger. Dill weed.
He laughed and said ‘dill weed almost sounds like danger’. That it does, Skip.

The One Where Elmo Slept With the Fishies

On my run this morning, I spotted trouble, in the form of one very small, red, furry Elmo. I slowed down to investigate, and this is what I saw:

I honestly didn't know quite what to think... I mean, was he just kicking back, watching the spectacular clouds roll by? (It rained this morning, and it was a seriously beautiful day). But if so, why so close to the dangerous water? And why does he have that horrified expression on his little face?

After talking to him for a few moments and finding him so unresponsive that one might even call him catatonic, I had to wonder if maybe this was a failed suicide attempt. Sad.

My second lap around the lake, Elmo was gone. Did he slip silently into the murky deep? Was he eaten by a duck, or one of those freakishly large, scary geese? Did a careless pet owner allow her dog to carry him off as a chew toy? Was there anything I could have said or done to save him? Frankly, I don’t know. And now I have to live with that.

The One Where You Can Get a Head Start

On what, you ask? Well, on your Christmas shopping. Because I am opening my Christmas blog for the holidays, and as of today, my Christmas CD, “It’s All About the Baby,” is available for purchase. You should really go check out the Christmas blog... either click on the link at the left of my blog, or click HERE, because I put up my favorite song from the CD for you to listen and enjoy. But you will definitely want to buy CDs right away. There are a limited number available, and I expect that they will sell out very quickly. They are a great stocking stuffer, teacher gift… really, anybody gift. So go! Buy!

And while we are on the subject of music, I am going to tell you that I have a new project in the works. It was actually Garry’s idea and we are sharing the work, so it is not my project… it is our project. It is going to involve some great musicians, and it is going to make 2011 very busy, and completely amazing. In the next month or two I will be starting a new blog so you can watch the progress. But for now, I will just say that it is going to be AWESOME!

The Hipstamatic One

I am informed by my family that I am the only one that thinks this is cool... well, except for my nephew Sam who showed it to me to begin with. I take some pretty beautiful photos with my Canon camera. I never thought I would take many pictures with my iPhone, but with a five-megapixel resolution and the fact that it is always on hand, I actually use it a lot. And then, along came Hipstamatic. Hipstamatic is an app for the iPhone that has a collection of vintage “lenses,” “film” and “flashes” to choose from, in order to create a sort of 80s-era photo.

My family thinks they are lame, but I can’t help myself. I just love the vivid color. Or the desaturation. There is something about these photos that is just so... moody.

 

 

Is it just me?

The One With the Sticker Shock

Today was a very frustrating day. Things were going well until about 9:00 am., and suddenly everything tumbled down in a domino effect, and by noon I was so mad and stressed out that my hands were kind of shaking. And then I spotted it. It was a sticker on the back of a Honda Element: “Baby in Car.”

Even in the days when I habitually drove around with babies in my car… sometimes lots of them… I never went for those “Baby on Board” stickers. But I didn’t really give them much thought either. Until today. When something snapped. I thought angrily, what earthly reason do they have for telling me there is a baby in their car? Now, I will admit, I was not driving in the best frame of mind. But that sticker really bugged me. Guess what… even before I knew that you had a baby in there, I was not planning to strike your vehicle with my Suburban. I wasn’t planning to tailgate you, sideswipe you, or even make an unsafe lane change anywhere close to you. It really hasn’t changed anything for me. Even if you had a sticker that said, Ugly Person in Car: Please, Put Me Out of My Misery; or maybe: Old Person in the Car: Already Lived a Full Life… even then, I still wasn’t going to hit you.

Maybe that wasn’t even your purpose in informing me. Maybe you were just flaunting it. Trying to make infertile women suicidal. Or, HEY, CHINA! Look at me… PROCREATING. Over. And over. And over. Two, three, four, babies… take THAT, zero population!

Finally, I felt that I just had to catch a glimpse of this sticker-worthy child. I pulled up alongside, and caught a glimpse of a suit. A thirty-dollar manicure caressing a six-dollar Starbucks cup. Wait a second… there’s no BABY in there. You dropped the little darling off at daycare, didn’t you? If indeed there ever WAS a baby. Now we have gone from annoying to just plain FRAUDULENT. And at that point, I may or may not have cut her off. Made my day just a little better.

The Epic One

Well, here we are and nearly two months have gone by with no post. Lame, I know. At least three of you actually check my blog. And nothing. So I am going to do a very unusual post here. You know those interactive stories, where you get to choose the ending? And then you can read it again, and choose a different ending if you like? This is totally like that. There is something for everyone here.

1. A recipe. I think that is kind of a cop-out. It is what I do when I don’t have anything else of interest to post. But some of you actually care about that. It reminds me of Little Women (in my top five favorite books of all time, btw) when the four sisters are writing their newspaper (okay, so they didn’t have Netflix), and Beth’s column is a recipe, and all of the sisters think she is kind of lame, but they just do that, “Oh, Beth, that’s so cute… you think this is interesting but it is actually just a recipe…” thing. But that said, if you are here for recipes, click HERE:


2. One for DK. (In case you come late to my game, DK is code for Dearest Kevin. You know… my husband who bought me four new tires for my Suburban today, even though (maybe actually because) he knows I drive a little like a Nascar driver. Expect something political. It is October, after all. It might be a little California-specific. After all, you may or may not remember that I have vowed to not think of the president of the United States… old what’s-his-name. He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named-Or-Even-Thought-Of. Codename B.O. (plug your nose when you say that one). I know you think I am kidding about this, but I am totally serious. Anytime my brain strays to good old Osama or whatever his name is… I just think of something else. Hum a hymn. Take a cold shower. Imagine eating my weight in M&Ms. Or just eat the M&Ms… and poof! He is gone. Out of my thoughts. Anyway, enough about whatever that was we were talking about… I forget… Oh, and the post is probably not as long as my explanation of it. It is just a little Skippy story. So don’t be afraid. For your political education, click HERE.

3. One for my friend who has NOT returned my calls. Yes, you know who you are. The one I have called and asked to go to breakfast with me. The one who gave me an immersion blender for Christmas… about the coolest thing ever. Hey you! I am worried about you. Where are you? I actually just want to go to Cinnamon Productions with you and eat carbs and talk. Nothing serious. But I haven’t forgotten that I am working on a little project for you… and so this post is yours. (Hint: contains music… a little taste of your present). Music, click HERE.

4. One for Hannah and Kim. Special request here. Two of my boys are dating some pretty spectacular women. The request was for snarky and sarcastic. Naturally that is a stretch for me. But I will do my humble best. Okay, so Kim and Hannah haven’t agreed to marry my sons, but they are awesome and I think they should. And this post should seal the deal. For Kim and Hannah’s post, click HERE.

5. One for Jif, wherein he tries root beer for the first time. It was about as fun as his first time on the ferris wheel. For Jif’s post, click HERE.

6. One for my friend Garry who puts a little fun into pretty much every day, and pushes me out of my comfort zone to attempt something out of the ordinary, and just a little bit amazing... such as a new project for 2011 that is probably the coolest thing ever. And that is just a small part of the fun. So this post is for my best and most unusual friend. For a little sport, click HERE.



7. A techie review? Yes, techie. This one is for my mom, who is pretty cool. She says she is older than dirt. That is pretty old. Can she learn new tricks? We shall see. Techie, click HERE.

8. A picture with no words. Okay, okay… I’ll just tell you right now… the picture is of me, and I got to do something I have wanted to do for ages. Photo, click HERE.

9. There is no number nine. Seriously, I am exhausted. Eight is enough. And I don’t think I should have to post again for at least a month and a half.

But if anyone feels left out, I guess you should just tell me now. Because apparently I am taking special requests. Peace, Love, Out.

The One With the Computers vs. Cinderella

And by Cinderella, I mean the Boise State Broncos. Since pre-season, this amazing Boise State football team has been ranked number one in both the Harris Poll and the coaches’ poll… but enter the wicked stepmother: the computers.

The computers only care about schedule. And no, Boise State does not have the kind of schedule that Oregon, Oklahoma or Auburn put up. They only wish upon a star that they did. Because they would still dominate. Boise State is number 2 in the AP and USA Today rankings this week… the BCS rankings won’t be announced until tonight… but it is only because of computers that they haven’t already hit number one. The computers don’t even take into account spreads. They only care about who they play. But Boise has treated the teams they have played to championship-caliber scores: 51-6 (Wyoming), 59-0 (New Mexico State), 57-14 (Toledo), and 48-0 (San Jose State). And even at that, they have been careful not to run up fourth-quarter scoring.

Oregon is number one. They just crushed UCLA 60-13. But what if they had to face Ryan Winterswyk, Billy Winn, and the rest of the number one defense in the country, both in total defense as well as pass-efficiency defense? They would not be putting up any 60 points against Boise, that is for sure.

And yes, Auburn is breathing down their necks at number three… what would happen if Boise got to play Auburn? The Tigers might run for a few yards… Cameron Newton, probably more than a few. I mean, seriously... he is arguably the best football player in the country. But Auburn’s defense wouldn’t stand a chance against All-American First-Team QB Kellen Moore. Even people outside of Idaho would be forced to sit up and take notice.

The wicked stepmother is not going anywhere. In fact, as the weeks go by, the computer polls are going to push Boise State down even more, unless the Fairy Godmother steps in. Oregon needs to falter. Auburn is ripe for an upset. And Boise State just needs to keep doing what they are doing, which is pretty darned awesome. So check it out. They play Louisiana Tech Tuesday night. And go ahead… buy a Broncos t-shirt.

The One Where There is an App for That

My mom just got an iPhone 4. She asked me first, “Do you think I am too old to have an iPhone?” What a silly question. I don’t think they come with an age limit. And she didn’t just get an iPhone; she actually got rid of her landline. I am trying to do the same.

What is the big deal with an iPhone? Well, for me, it is like carrying around my iMac in the palm of my hand… and it also makes phone calls, texts, and takes pictures and HD video. Plays games… and it babysits.

I know… you are thinking, right. But one Sunday my oldest son brought little Jif down to visit. Because his mom is relief society president and had meetings, she had to stay home. Mid-afternoon an interesting thing happened. Facetime. Now, before I had an iPhone 4, I thought Facetime didn’t sound all that cool. I was wrong. A touch of the button, and all of a sudden you are enjoying a video phone call. So Josh and Jes were enjoying a video chat via Facetime, and Josh called Jif over to say hi to his mom. She was playing peekaboo with him, which actually amused her a lot more than it did him.

Jif wandered off with the phone. I asked if we should go after him, but Josh, said, “No, Jes is watching him.” She was, until he buried her with toys in the family room. We rescued her, only to have her put in the game cupboard. “Help! Jif has locked me in the game cupboard!” is not what you want to hear from your babysitter.

So, okay, maybe it is not a very good babysitter. But I still love mine more than… well, I won’t say whom. And if you think you’re too old, think again. There is probably an app for that, too.

P.S. Apple just came out with the announcement that iMacs and MacBooks can make Facetime calls now. I haven’t actually gotten a Facetime call from anyone with a computer, but it is bound to happen any day now…

The One That Burned All the Way Down

Jif’s first taste of root beer:

The One Where We Discover Skippy Actually Pays Attention

Well, guess what. I have actually been onto him for quite some time, now. It seems like he is just doing his own thing, but he is actually taking in all the conversations around him. Well, this last week he was doing homework at the table in the family room while the rest of the family was watching T.V. This being the middle of October, and elections just around the corner, we have been completely inundated with political ads for days now.

Commercial break rolled around, and before DK’s fast finger could skip through the commercial, the question blared out of the speakers: “Who raised taxes twelve times in nine years?” And without even looking up from his homework, Skippy replied in a tired and bored voice, “Grey Davis.” Then the voice from the T.V.: “Grey Davis.” The whole family burst out into laughter. When questioned, Skippy said he also would not vote for Meg Whitman, because she is a liar (as evidenced by the commercials in which she grows a long, Pinocchio nose. That even freaks me out!). I finally asked him who we should vote for, and he replied, Carly Fiorino. She is kind of pretty.

Which only goes to prove that Skippy is not all that smart. I mean, seriously… Carly Fiorino is running for U.S. senate, not governor.

The One Where She Got What She Wanted

The One Where She Did Her Part To Save Turkeys

I love Thanksgiving food, but honestly, I’m not a big turkey fan. Even when perfectly cooked, brined, deep fried, seasoned to perfection, whatever… it is still just about the blandest meat I can imagine. Not only that, but the poor birds… they have been genetically engineered in this country until they are so big and fat that they can’t even walk around properly. This actually seems appropriate, when you picture how everyone else looks the evening of Thanksgiving, staggering around with their pants unbuttoned. Gross.

So I am proposing you save a bird, and eat beef. It’s what’s for dinner. Not just any beef. My favorite cut: Prime Rib. I know you think it is too hard and you can’t do it… believe me when I tell you it is sooooo much easier than turkey. And it tastes so amazing that the side dishes will be relegated back where they belong… as side dishes.

Okay, turkeys, I have done my bit. You’re on your own. You know I will still have to cook you on Thanksgiving, because my family is just way too traditional to have prime rib for Thanksgiving dinner. But maybe someone out there will save a turkey’s life this year.

Prime Rib Roast Recipe

The One With the Best Mother-in-Law Ever

Who, me? Yes, of course it is me.

I don’t like to brag, but there are plenty of girls who date my boys just so that they can have me as a mother-in-law. Being a good mother-in-law is not just a matter of minding one’s own business. Or giving good advice. It is really a skill, and one that I personally have raised to an artform. And, as with all good art, there are rules.

Rule Number One. Never make your daughter-in-law look bad. This one is so easy I can do it in my sleep. In fact, sleeping in until nine or ten so that my daughter-in-law has time to get up and make me breakfast in bed is a perfect example. I have to be careful because I am a good cook. You see, if I am a good cook, and hypothetically speaking, the daughter-in-law is not, then that makes her feel a little nervous. So if I play the mother-in-law game correctly, I can sit with my feet up in front of the TV while all the daughters-in-law make meals (and do the dishes, obviously). It is all part of the best mother-in-law service that I provide. It also helps if my house is messy (and it is). Not completely slovenly with rotting food in every corner… just messy. Then the daughters-in-law can feel that they are superior housekeepers. Because they are! See how perfect that is? There are certain areas where I just can’t help but stand out as a shining pillar of perfection… a wifely paragon, if you will… but by letting other things slide, those things can be overlooked, thus maintaining perfect mother-in-law-hood.

Rule Number Two. Avoid giving unsolicited advice. I cannot tell a lie... I love to give advice. But as a mother-in-law I have adopted a sort of reverse psychology approach. By pretending not to give any advice, and pretending that I don’t even like to give advice, the girls will just naturally crave it. It is human nature. And once they open the door, well, let’s just say I will come in and make myself right at home.

Rule Number Three. Child-rearing is not the job of Perfect Mother-in-Law. The key to this rule is Laissez Faire. Hands off. I will not give you my opinion on your baby names. You can name your child Atilla the Hun if you really want to. I will just smile and say, “Oh, how sweet.” Because babies in our family are notoriously large at birth, and by the time you push that ten-pound linebacker out with his little conehead, you should get to name him whatever the heck you feel like. This hands-off philosophy will continue. I will never ask you why little Atilla does not wear socks. I will not ask you why your darling 18-month-old is sitting in front of the TV watching Spanish novelas, drinking a two-liter of Coca Cola and gnawing on an entire brick of cheddar. I don’t judge. After all, I clearly was no great shakes when it came to child-rearing. Just take a look at your husband.

Rule Number Four. When in doubt, always take daughter-in-law’s side. Please refer to rule number two, here. But once advice is solicited, it is best to side with the darling DIL. This is not difficult, either, because my pack of boys and I have been at odds for lo, this many years. Just because we have patched things up since those unfortunate teenage years and adopted an uneasy truce does not mean that it is all water under the bridge. I may not be able to remember a single thing I did last week, but I can sure as hellfire remember when Josh called 9-1-1 and told them I beat him with the bar off his red bunk bed. Oh, it’s on, alright. But I’m not bitter or anything.

Rule Number Five. Live at least an hour away. The perfect mother-in-law is the one that is inaccessible at best. If my daughter-in-law thinks she can just drop off little Atilla any old time for babysitting, then eventually she will begin to feel used and resentful that her mother-in-law is monopolizing so much of her family time. If Perfect Mother-In-Law can just drop by and help out and do dishes and other household chores with so little difficulty, then the special and long-awaited nature of her visits cannot be properly maintained. In a situation like this one, the young married couple does not have time to have MIL’s favorite treats prepared and other comforts which a daughter-in-law loves so much to provide.

And that is really all the rules. It is more of lifestyle, really. An attitude. Maybe even a certain disregard, if one is to be honest with herself. But it all works together to make the perfect mother-in-law. And I do so love my job.

The One Where They Cried Just a Little Bit

There is kind of a cool story that goes with this one. I was asked to play a solo during our ward Primary Sacrament Meeting program, wherein all the children sing and say parts instead of having to listen to adults. Well, except for me, I guess. They asked me to play “Joseph Smith’s First Prayer.”

I wasn’t sure how it was going to go over, since there are fifty kids up on the stand, and they are very wiggly and excited. But as soon as I started to play, I could feel that the kids were holding still, and they were listening. I don’t know how to describe it exactly, but it was as though it brought everything into focus. I could really feel the spirit there, and reverence.

About four or five days later, the primary president’s daughter, Anna, who is seven, asked her mom, “Did you cry when Sister McD played the piano?” Taken aback, she replied, “Well, yes, I did, a little. Why do you ask?” Anna replied, “Well, Sister McClanahan and I cried a little bit too.”

And since it is my goal to make everyone cry, score three for Sunday. Here is the hymn that I played.