The One With Skippy and the Full Frontal Nudity

Skippy is going to be baptized tomorrow. Last Sunday in church the kids were given a really cool object lesson about how watching and listening to unwholesome material can make our thoughts very muddy so that we can’t hear the Spirit. The visual was a clean, clear glass of water, and then another where several different food colors had been added to make the water murky. Skippy raised his hand and asked, “When you get baptized, do you get to pour out the dirty water and get clean water again?” I thought how sweet and innocent he is.

And then the next day I showed him a naked woman.

At this juncture, we can just stipulate that I am a bad parent. Skippy and I were home alone. I have been spending every waking moment at the computer working on music, and he begged to watch a show with me on TV, and I took an hour break to oblige. I love sci-fi and he does too, of late, and I figured Stargate SG-1 would be a fun one to watch. It ran for something like fourteen seasons, and I saw most of them. So we queued it up on Netflix and started watching. Bad mom alert: I was also kind of sort of checking my e-mail at the same time. I glanced up from my e-mail, and there they were. Breasts. Very impressive ones, I might add. Startled, Skippy and I looked at each other wide-eyed, and he immediately covered his eyes. I grabbed the remote and started zipping through. Breasts, breasts, larger-than-life breasts.... pan down... and there it is. A whole naked woman.

I watched Stargate SG-1 for several years on Fox network. It was such a clean show as to be unrealistically sterile at times... and so it didn’t even cross my mind that the shows were originally aired on SHOWTIME, and it seems that premium stations have become nothing more than peddlers of pornography, even more so now than when Stargate originally aired. While I was shocked to see it, and even more dismayed that I showed it to my eight-year-old son, I suppose it was extremely tame compared to what HBO and Showtime offer today, which we found to be so disgusting that we won’t allow those stations in our home at any price.

I am also extremely disappointed with Netflix for not securing the edited-for-regular-network versions, and even more so because, as you can clearly see here in the screenshot which I just took from the Netflix website, the series is rated TV-14, which does not, according to the TV rating guidelines, permit nudity. The program, aired in its uncut format, would have to be rated TV-MA, which is the rating Showtime and HBO generally use (and with good reason) for all of their original programming.

Netflix is definitely going to hear about this from me.

The One With a Friend

And when I say Friend, I mean The Friend, as in The Friend magazine. This start-up called Sun Swing Media Company is producing what they hope will be a series of animated videos from The Friend magazine. They need to sell at least 5,000 in order to be able to produce the next video in the series. Please help them out and go buy one! It is going to set you back... $1.00 Yes, just a dollar. Watch their cute little trailer here, and then go here to purchase. It took me about one minute using Paypal. Good luck, Sun Swing!

The One With the Workarounds

I am not stupid. Usually.

And I am pretty good at techie, computer kind of stuff. Usually.

I love anything Apple Computer does. If they said sweat tasted good, I would probably buy a bottle. Okay, maybe not sweat. But Apple Computer is the bomb. Usually.

So Saturday I woke up, yawned, stretched, and thought to myself, “What could I do in the next three hours that would totally mess up my entire digital music recording setup so that I can’t meet my recording deadlines which are all in the upcoming week?” And then I answered myself: “Install that new Lion OSX operating system on all my computers today!” And that is what I did.

Three hours later I was running a shiny new operating system on my iMac. I love shiny new. And then I went to open Logic Studio, the main software I use to record. And I saw this:

I figured it must be a joke. I googled it. And guess what? It is a thing. Logic 8.  Doesn’t. Work. On. Lion. My Duet by Apogee $600 interface? Also doesn’t work with Lion. What about my Melodyne software? It works, but not until I buy the $500 upgrade for the other things that don’t work with Lion.

But no big deal, right? Just deinstall, and put the old system back. Easy peasy. NO. NOT EASY PEASY. Turns out that I should have protected myself by making a clone of my previous operating system and backing everything up. THEN it would have been easy peasy. Just remove Lion and open the clone, no harm done. But I didn’t know that a clone could be my best friend. I didn’t even know I liked clones. And now that I know, I have no clone.

I was left with some choices, none of them pleasant.

1. Go backwards. Buy a hard disk at least a terrabyte in size and back up every single file on my hard disk. Wipe the hard disk, install a new system with the disks that came with my computer (which I believe was the Panther OSX, which is TWO steps back). Then find the installation disks for all of the programs I had on my computer and reinstall each, one by one. Restore all the data to the hard disk and pray that it all still works.

2. Go forward. Buy Logic Studio 9. $500. I purchased the Academic version of Logic Studio 8, which is not eligible for upgrade. Buy a new Duet by Apogee 2, which is compatible with the new system. $700. Reinstall Melodyne.

3. Go sideways. After a lot of research, I find that computer geeks all over the country have come up with workarounds for the worst of my problems. I can open Logic Studio 8, using a weird little script. If I quit the program, I can’t just double-click to reopen it... I have to once again go through the weird little script. Another workaround lets me use my Duet by Apogee interface blind. It works, but I have no on-screen volume or input controls... I have to just feel around to try to get the right volume levels on the microphone, the speakers and the headphones. This is the option I chose. I have a really hard time with going backwards, and I can’t afford to just leap forward. But I think the workarounds will work until I can a) afford to upgrade Logic, and b) Apogee is working on an upgrade to the interface driver which should be finished by the end of the month.

So, net cost of going sideways:

Apple Lion OSX: $29
Logic Studio 9 (purchased used on eBay): $200
Cheap interface purchased at Apple to get me through the first couple of days: $249
Lesson learned: Priceless.

Once again, it was a lesson I did not want to learn. But maybe there ARE no lessons I really want to learn?

The Long Overdue One

I admit, I have been a terrible blogger. Terrible at writing, terrible at reading. Just trying to fit too many things into too little time, I guess. I am carving out a little time for it, so I should get better from here on out. I’ll start things off with a video of an original song we wrote over at Archangel Records. We were faced one day with a decision... get frustrated because the people who were supposed to record didn’t show up, or make the most of our day and write a song. Garry sat down and wrote the first verse and chorus in about an hour, and we finished it within a couple more hours.

The challenging part about this was the video. We decided we didn’t want a photo slideshow... and we have never really done a real video before. So you must be forgiving of our first try. Shelley Johnson played cello (and allowed herself to be recorded for the video) on very short notice, Stephanie Anthony was kind enough to sing, and Lexi and Stephen were such good sports as to let us follow them around with some very amateur video attempts. Fun fact: Lexi and Stephen are INDEED in love, and are actually getting married on Saturday! So... enjoy. PLEASE feel free to repost on your own blog or Facebook page (let me know if you do... we love to hear about that!) and if you haven't “liked” our Facebook page, please please do! Oh, and by the way, this is in 1080 HD, so click to watch it BIG! :) Thank you thank you.

The One With the Cool Dad

I never know what I am going to get in trouble for saying over here. But I am just going to put it out there today. There is no such thing as a cool parent. I mean, good for you if your kids occasionally say to themselves, “Wow, Mom is cool. Way cooler than other kids’ parents.” But if they say that too often, or out loud, then you are doing something wrong. Your job as a parent is not to be the cool mom or dad. It is to BE the mom or dad. Furthermore, if I have truly embarrassed my child, then I know I have done my job.

I saw this article this morning about a boy named Rain Price of American Fork, Utah, whose dad really, really did his job. I love this. They changed the school bus route so that every morning Rain’s high school bus went by the front of their house. So at the right time every morning, he would go out on the front sidewalk and wave to his son’s bus as it passed by. That would have been a nice little family story later... that Dad waved to you every morning as you drove by, for 170 days of school your sophomore year. But this dad took his job seriously. He supplemented. With costumes.

You can read the full article here, and there is a blog where family members documented the daily costumes. So if you are a mom or a dad, stop trying to be  cool. Just embrace your job. Go forth and embarrass. If you are still bent on being the cool parent, though, that is your prerogative. I will even give you a little help: some pointers from one very cool dad, Phil Dunphy on Modern Family. Enjoy!

The One with the ShopVac

I love this! I wish I had the talent for the cool animation. :) Enjoy...

The One With the Monday Lullaby

Well good afternoon. I am enjoying a lovely cloudy, slightly drizzly Monday after a tempest of a weekend. Hope everyone else is having a good one. Last week I created a Band Profile for my Archangel Records facebook page, and I have been adding songs every couple of days. So if you would like to go over and enjoy the playlist, here is a link: Archangel Records Fan Page. I think you have to “like” the Archangel Records page in order to listen to the music and watch the videos there. So please click on “like.”

The song I put up this morning is such a sweet little song. It is a lullaby sung by one of my favorite people, Miss Tandy Shields. Hope you love it. It is great Monday music. :)

The One With the Short Playlist

Today is a music day. Okay, so... every day is pretty much a music day around here. But today I just felt like I wanted to listen to some music. Are these my favorite songs? No, but they are five songs I have been listening to this morning:

1. Any Other World by MIKA. This song makes me want to play the cello. I will settle for writing something for cello, since I know a fabulous cellist who is always kind enough to come record. But... love the song. I also love the kind of choir-ish sound when in the middle. I also like listening to this with my good speakers and hearing the sound drift back and forth between the speakers... the Wall of Sound.

2. Awake My Soul by Mumford and Sons. Yummy yummy yummy. Song for a rainy day. Mumford and Sons random fact: they are a bit literary and occasionally borrow a lyric from Shakespeare. So one day in an interview, Mumford was quoted thusly: “You can rip off Shakespeare all you like; no lawyer’s going to call you up on that one.” True, that.

3. Cold Hearted by Zac Brown Band. Because I love love love Zac Brown’s voice. He can sing to me any time. Every time. And today there actually it is a little chilly.

4. Rhythm of Love by Plain White Ts. Despite the fact that I have almost ruined this song by using it as a ringtone and an alarm wake-up song.

5. Little House by the The Fray. Not because of the lyrics. But the music is awesome. It starts out all nice, and then about 30 seconds in, it starts taking itself a little seriously. But in a good way.

Hmm. No female artists. Go figure.

The One With Her Fave 10

Has anyone else noticed that Blogger has been down for like... I don’t know... more than 24 hours? I don’t want to post for days on end, and then when I finally do, I can’t? That is bad timing, right there. Anyway, I am going to sneak this in before Blogger collapses again under the weight of so much meaningless drivel. :) I posted over at He Said/She Said today... my favorite ten photos I have taken in the last few months. Go check it out, and comment over THERE, please.

If I have one regret, it is that I did not get to take photos of Casey and Hannah. I had one that I tucked into the Mother’s Day video, but honestly, I didn’t even take that one! So they need to come visit so that I can satisfy my camera craving.

Okay, so, GO. What are you waiting for??? Go!

She Said: Finding Beauty

The One With the Senior Moment

Dillon is a senior. I have been trying to get him to let me take some photos of him for days and days. They have an honors night at church tomorrow night with a slideshow, and I found some fun ones from when he was a baby...

and a child...

but not any senior photos, until today. We took about ten minutes, ran down to O’Neill Park, and got a few good ones. The smiley ones were all vertical, and I haven’t edited those yet. But I thought these were pretty cool.

 

Dillon noticed some berries in the freezer earlier. He said, “You know... berry cobbler would be part of my dream meal. Along with shredded beef chimichangas. And maybe using hobbits as waiters... they are so short they don’t interfere with conversation. Although I’m not sure I want them touching my food. They don’t really seem all that clean, do they?”

What a weird kid.

The Mother’s Day One

This is how I have spent the last two weeks.... and it was a great two weeks. I got to take photos of some really cool people, and I love the song Garry and I wrote together. My biggest frustration, however, came after I completed the video. The video, which looks amazing on my big screen and sounds wonderful on my great speakers (do yourself a favor and listen to this once with HEADPHONES and you will hear a whole new world!) was not translating well to YouTube. I wanted it to be available in HD, and despite trying about 15 times with the last video, and about five more with this one, I was having no luck.

Suddenly this morning when I had already given up and told Garry to just post this on our Archangel Records Facebook page, I stumbled across a comment buried deep within an unrelated question on an old YouTube help forum. It stated that even though YouTube accepts MOV format (the Apple Quicktime movie standard) that I had to use a certain compression, with a certain number of databits per second, and check a particular box. Why no one could just TELL ME THAT... I have no idea. I suppose this had become a matter of my not inconsiderable pride that I was supposed to be good at computer stuff, and this was eluding me. But no longer, and so you should really watch it in HD... instead of watching it here, click and go watch it on YouTube, full-screen HD. Yahoo!

I hope you will not only watch this, but then share it with your mother. Your mother-in-law. Your daughters. Please share it on your blog. On your Facebook page. Hope you love it. Hope it makes you cry. That, as always, is the goal. Happy happy Mother’s Day!!!

The One Where She Was Dressed Like a Cupcake

27 years ago tomorrow.

What should we do to celebrate? Breakfast in bed is out. I am leaving the house at 5:00 a.m. and D.K., at 6:00. Lunch is out. Dinner? Hmm. Any good suggestions out there?

P.S. Look closely at the picture... Napoleon Dynamite was one of our groomsmen... :)

The One With the Road to Hana

Sorry, guys... I put all my guts into my post on the other blog, so go read there, and I will post here in a couple of days!

The One Where She Was All Alone

I know. Sounds like maybe I am complaining that I was lonely. No no no. Not lonely. I actually DREAM of being all alone. It happens so seldom. But DK had meetings in L.A. this last week, and I wasn’t invited to them. But I was invited to go hang out at a really nice hotel and have some of that alone time I had been craving.

This was the view out the window. Not to offend anyone, but L.A. is not one of the most beautiful cities out there. Weather, yes. But seriously, I could see four billboards for lapband surgery from my window! Not exactly scenic, but I still enjoyed the view.

DK thought this magazine was humorous. I will leave this one alone.

 

The bed was super comfy with tons of pillows and a down comforter.

 

I had my iPad and a book.

 

The hotel wi-fi was a total ripoff so I tried out the “Personal Wi-fi Hotspot” option on my iPhone 4. Yes, it cost extra from AT&T, but it didn’t cost more than the wi-fi the hotel was offering, and it worked like a charm to stream movies and TV onto my iPad. That is some pretty mind-bending technology, I have to say. Here is a screenshot from my iPhone running the Personal Hotspot. Pretty cool:

 

I was only there for 24 hours, but it was a nice little break. I came back to spend the next five days catering, taking dinner to the sick and injured, and finishing the April music video for Archangel Records. Which, by the way, I am a little bit in love with. Garry and I struggled a bit figuring out how to portray certain imagery in the song, and we hit a lot of brick walls. But we found ways around all of them, and I am really happy with the result. I hope you will all help me out by watching the video, and if you are so inclined, sharing it, too. We would love new fans on our Archangel Records Facebook page here, and we are hoping to at least double the amount of video views from the last video.

Check out the latest on Archangel at our He Said/She Said blog here. By the way, we just finished writing the song for the May video... and it is going to be SWEET. {Hint: think Mother’s Day!}

Anyway, here is the video. Hope you enjoy it!

The One Where He Was Worried About the Wrong Thing

There are so many lessons one could take from this... for me, it is that sometimes I just worry about the wrong thing. No need to go borrowing trouble... it will find you.



What lesson did you learn? P.S. Happy Sunday! :)

The One With No Pictures

Why? Because I was holding the baby. We went to the petting zoo in San Juan Capistrano today and I spent the whole time holding Reeses. She is beautiful with huge round cheeks, white fuzzy hair and she just waits for you to look at her so she can smile. So sweet. And, so, no photos. But a good time was had by all. There were goats, sheep, cows, llamas, donkeys, turkeys, pigs, chickens, rabbits, guinea pigs (sorry if I left anyone out) and they were all hungry for the little mini veggie platters we were feeding them. Jif and Skippy rode the train, and Jif screamed when he had to get off.

It was perfect weather and a perfect day. And while I left the petting zoo undocumented, I did finally get around to taking some photos of Jif and Reese’s parents. If you want to check them out, look at my other blog post. And please, leave a comment over there... I get lonely on the other blog! Click here:

She Said: Last Light

Oh, and P.S. I did take some smiling pictures too... I just needed the serious ones for my big project. Shh!

The One Where They Planned Ahead

Yesterday I spent an hour driving through the streets of Santa Ana. It was the part of Santa Ana where they don’t necessarily bother to put any of the signs in English. I saw a lot of interesting things, including at least three taco trucks that I really wanted to try (but I held out and DK took me to “The Chili Pepper” instead... good choice) and a City of Santa Ana vendor pushcart full of ice cream. Yesterday would have been the day to get some of that, since it was 90 degrees. But my favorite by far was this sign that I loved so much that we had to go back so I could take a photo with my phone. Martinez Party Planner... I feel sure that they would leave nothing unplanned. :) Take a close look.

{Click to view larger}

The One With Just Pictures

I’m a little leery of giving my opinion lately, so I think I am just going to throw some pictures up here. Some of it won’t make much sense, but I will just say that my camera has been working overtime this last month. {Click to view larger!}

 

 

 

P.S. Which is your favorite?

The One With the Bossi Bag

This is a CAMERA BAG??? Yes, please!

They are giving one away over here at my favorite... Florabella Collection. Check it out!

The One With the Crying

I know I am behind in posting here. And Casey got married Saturday and I have a few other things I really do need to post. But I am throwing a little party for 250 people tomorrow night, and I just haven’t had time. So for now, head over for my “She Said” post and leave me some comment love over there. I promise I will post some fun stuff next week. Scout’s honor... cross my heart and hope to die...

She Said: Are You Crying???

The One With the Digital Download

Our new song, Carry Me, is now available for digital download for 99 cents! It should also be on iTunes shortly, but we don’t exactly know how shortly, because we have never submitted music there before. For now, you can go to CD Baby and purchase and download. Kinda cool... :) {Just click on the photo, or the link below it.}

Garry Pfile | Carry Me | CD Baby

The One With the Useless Phrases

I have a friend who sort of collects useless phrases. The cliché kind that people slap onto your troubles like a band-aid that is not nearly big enough. “It’s water under the bridge.” “It’s all good.” “Everything will work out.” And my personal favorite: “Let me know if you need anything.”

We had a discussion about that particular one in my primary class on Sunday. {Primary is Mormon speak for the program for 3-12-year-old children on Sundays.} Two of the teachers were sick on Sunday, and so I had extra kids. About twelve in all. I asked the kids if they thought it was a nice thing to tell someone, “Let me know if you need anything.” The answer was about evenly split between those who thought it was a kind gesture, and those who didn’t. Then I asked how many of them would ever call up the person who said it, and tell them what they need. This one was unanimous: none.

Ten-year-old Devoree said that a couple of Christmases ago, her dad was unexpectedly ill and in the hospital. Christmas was only a couple of days away and their house had been dark and deserted all week as they spent all of their spare time at the hospital. She relates that they arrived home that night to find that their house had lights on. They walked in to find a decorated tree with presents under it, beautiful Christmas music playing, the kitchen counters stacked with cookies and other treats, and a delicious dinner on the stove. Her eyes were huge as she told us the story. “We didn’t know what was going on!” she said with a huge smile. “But one thing is for sure… nobody said to my mom, ‘let me know if there is anything I can do for you.’ Because my mom would never have told them.”

Suddenly the room everyone’s hands were in the air and they were all talking at once. Everyone had a story about how they were able to provide service, or they had been the recipient of someone else’s kindness.

And there was just one more question. “Do you think that with regards to serving others, Jesus ever told anyone, “Let me know if you need anything?” We went with a “no” on that one.

P.S. Due to the rather large amount of controversial comments this post generated, I have made this post comment-free to avoid WWIII. :) Sorry if I have offended anyone...

The One That Took Forever

But it was totally worth it. I just finished this music video. It was a lot of work! We didn’t want to use stolen photos from the internet... so I had to take all the photos and edit them. I say I “had to” but it was really fun. I love the photos we used. The music took a long time, but I learned a lot of things about one of my new computer programs. I guess you could say that this video was a definitely learning experience. Let me know if you like it. (By the way, I think I made it so you can watch it full screen.)

The One With Sarcasm Thursday

Okay, so I do not limit sarcasm to Thursdays. But I am afraid I may have outdone myself last night, posting on my other blog. Please do go and visit.... leave a comment. I seriously can use some validation today. It has been a long week! {Just click on the photo or the link below, or, well... HERE.}

She Said: Earnest, With a Side of Sarcasm

The One With the Green Blob

I hope Jan doesn’t read this post (sometimes I don’t know who, if anyone, reads this) because she would probably feel bad, and this one was one hundred percent my epic fail.

Friend Jan called yesterday with a strange and unique request: Would you please make me some green bread? It was a tradition she had growing up, where her mom would make green bread for St. Patrick’s Day. She said she was embarrassed by it as a kid, and would hide the sandwich, surreptitiously pulling off pieces to eat when she thought no one could see. But like many embarrassing childhood traditions, it is one she has come to treasure. She was hosting a first-Tuesday-in-March staff meeting, and wanted to serve green food.

Of course I agreed to make green bread. How could I pass that up? Then I got a little distracted last night. Unexpected company. Coconut shrimp party. Spur of the moment. Mmm. I remembered the bread after the first rise. It was a bilious green color, and I formed it into fat Gumby-colored loaves and placed into the lower oven to rise for 25 minutes. Then I started working on a song I am trying to finish for my music project. An hour went by. Maybe two... DK turned off the beeping timer, I’m sure... and then I stumbled off to bed, exhausted.

3:45 a.m. My eyes open, and I have a single thought: I have green bread rising in the oven. I ran downstairs and opened the oven, and there it was... and it was Dr. Seuss-worthy. It had overflowed the pans. It had cascaded over the oven racks. It had pooled in green glory all over the over floor and the heating elements.

So I have been up since 3:45. Making a new batch of green bread. Yes, I’m a little tired. But I am eating a delicious green grilled cheese sandwich. Totally worth it. Okay, maybe not.

The One Where We Got a Little Work Done

Keeping my head above water has been a little difficult lately. And not just because it is pouring rain out there again. But busy is good, especially when I am working for awesome things, like weddings and music and such.

I have a few more hours of work ahead of me tonight… but I wanted to take a few minutes out to update over here, and I wanted to post this song that I recorded with Garry over the weekend. It is called “My Soul Hungered,” written by Steven K. Jones and Kurt Bestor. It is a beautiful song and it was so fun to record.

I really can’t thank Garry enough for doing this project with me, and hopefully many more to come. He is so talented at writing and he has a great ear for editing as well. I have never been able to write a song with anyone before, let alone ten of them. That is a miracle to me, and it is a miracle to me that he is taking so much of the workload of this giant project. Probably most importantly, he makes everything fun. I can’t even tell you how awesome he is.

In the next couple of weeks there will be a new song up on YouTube that we worked on this week. I can’t wait! In the meantime, here is “My Soul Hungered.” Once again I am having issues with uploading songs, so I had to use a new playlist generator. The playlist was ugly and clunky, and naturally I want it to be beautiful and elegant and it bugs me when it is not.... so I came up with this alternative. Hopefully it works well. In order to do it I had to do a crash course in iMovie, and I am definitely no expert. For some reason it is quieter than it should be. So turn up the volume and enjoy. Or, you can check it out over at our Archangel Records Facebook page. The Facebook video player is much better than the Blogger video player. Oh, and if you haven’t “liked us” yet over on Facebook, please do!

The Dystopian One

I know, I know. I said I would post “in a couple of days”… and here we are a couple of weeks out. I am going to play a little catch-up with a post or two. First of all, I promised a post about Dystopia. It is not, in fact, the medical term for blurry vision. It is actually a genre of literature that happens to be one of my favorites.

Dystopia is, in literature, an often futuristic society that has degraded into a repressive and controlled state, often under the guise of being utopian. Some examples would be Fahrenheit 451 by Bradbury or Brave New World by Huxley, or one of my favorites: The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood. Recently it seems like dystopia has found young adult lit, and my favorites are the Hunger Games series by Suzanne Collins (love love love), and a new favorite, Matched by Ally Condie. Runners up would probably be the Pretties and Uglies series by Scott Westerfield, and the Maze Runner by James Dashner.

And I had to throw this final photo in here. The last Marine left alive. World in chaos. No, just kidding. It is Ethan of course, and I told him that I could work a picture of him into my dystopian post. I don’t think he believed me, but BAM. If you have any more suggestions for great dystopian books, you can let me know. I am a sucker for a good post-apocalyptic storyline. If it has zombies, so much the better.

The One That is Not About Dystopia

 

Doesn’t that sound just like a disease? Or at the very least some sort of eye disorder? It isn’t. And no, I’m not writing about it today. I’m just gathering my thoughts to talk about it later this week. For today, I posted elsewhere. So please, don’t comment here... I mean, what could you possibly have to say? Go read my A-Z post over there and leave me some comment love. I get lonely. In case you missed the two perfectly obvious links, CLICK HERE NOW.

If you are late tuning in and have no idea what I am talking about, I am currently hard at work on a project to produce a new CD of Christmas music for this year, and the “It’s Never Too Early” blog is where I vent, brag and contradict (Garry co-authors that blog from the “He Said” perspective). It is fun and doesn’t really have a lot to do with Christmas, so go read. You can tune in later in the week for some dystopia.

The One With Facebook 101

Welcome, class, to Facebook 101. Please note that the prerequisites for this class are a) an IQ of 50+, b) aged 13+ and c) a modicum of common sense. I see a lot of hands raised. I know what you all want to ask, and the answer is NO. I will not waive one or more of the prerequisites. I have put low-to-mediocre standards out there, and we are going to stick to them.

Here are the points we will be covering today in Facebook 101. Feel free to take notes. Everything will be on the test.

1. To Facebook or Not to Facebook. I go back and forth on this one myself. I swing between enjoying staying connected with friends and family… even those who live far away… and feeling that small-town sting of everyone knowing my business. I waffle between hoping no one notices me and wishing someone would write something nice on my wall. I try to weigh the value of social networking as a way to promote my music, vs. the time-consuming nature of Facebook. It is really a love (like)/hate thing for me. If you love Facebook so much that you can’t seem to go an hour of the day without checking it, then please skip to #10 and follow the directions there.

2. Friends. If you think your kids are excited to be your Facebook friends, they are probably not. If in fact you believe that anyone is truly excited to see your friend request, they are probably not. If you think that being someone’s Facebook friend means that you are close in real life, you are probably not. If you think that Facebook is real life, please skip ahead to #10 and follow the directions carefully.

3. Posting Etiquette. Type your post into the box that says “Write Something” or if you wish to post to your own wall, in the “What’s On Your Mind?” box. Now, before, clicking on “Share,” read your post carefully. Have you mentioned bodily functions of any kind? Did you reveal the medical status of one or more family members? Did you write how relieved you are to finally be rid of a detested spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend or fiancée? Does your post detail feelings of love or physical longing for another Facebook user, regardless of marital status? OKAY. Before you hit that SHARE button, look at your Friends list. Does your friends list include your husband? Wife? Children? Parents? Siblings? People from work? Boyfriend or girlfriend? Fiancee? Church associates? School friends? Childhood sweethearts? Yes, I thought so. Now, STOP what you are doing, look me in the eyes and listen carefully to what I am telling you: ALL OF THESE PEOPLE will be able to read the post you have just written. ALL OF THEM. It will show up on their news feeds and in some cases on their profiles. Do you understand what I am telling you? Good. If you find what I am telling you to be in some way incomprehensible, then please for the love of all that is holy, immediately skip to #10 and follow the directions included there.

4. Photos. Facebook allows you to post photos. They don’t really know what photos you are posting, so it is really up to you. But inappropriate or offensive photos can be reported, and will be removed by the Facebook gods. If your buddy gets really drunk and you think it would be funny to post photos of him less than fully dressed, I will report you. Particularly if you are a close friend or family member. If you believe that there is nothing in this world more beautiful than childbirth, please feel free to make yourself a scrapbook. If you post childbirth photos that include (but are not limited to) any body parts normally hidden in a public setting, internal organs such as a placenta or any other female reproductive organs, or excessive amounts of blood that came from incisions or female parts, I will report you. You should thank me. If for some reason this seems unfair to you, please refer to #10 and follow the directions.

5. Profile pictures. I know you think you know what I am going to say here… truth in reporting and all that… put up a photo that really looks like you… nothing from before 1980, etc. etc. You would be wrong. I actually prefer to look at appealing profile pictures. So put your best foot forward. Maybe literally… if your most attractive feature is your feet, then let’s see that pedicure. If you looked better in 1970, bring it on. Photoshop if you must. Please refer to Awkward Family Photos and if your photo resembles any of the photos there, please skip to #10 and follow the directions there.

6. Privacy. As part of our class time today, please proceed to the Privacy Settings section of your Account info. Now jack them up to maximum. You will thank me for this. No more friend requests from someone named Yasmine who is “interested in other women” and whose profile pic is her… well, you get the picture. Yasmine, if you are reading this, please proceed to #10 and follow the directions found there.

7. Quizzes. You know who you are: Stop taking quizzes. You are wasting your life away. The Facebook gods do not really know how tall you are going to be, or how many children you will have, or which Twilight character you most resembled in a previous life. These are designed to rob you of your time and your dignity. If you have plenty of the former, and none of the latter, then just start watching daytime TV or tip cows or really anything else besides taking these inane and often sexually inappropriate quizzes. If you really can’t stop yourself, I understand. Please proceed immediately to #10 and follow the directions there.

8. Farmville. Yoville, Mafia Wars, etc. STOP, look into my eyes, and listen to what I am telling you. These things are not real. You have lost your grip on reality. You are dehydrated, your kids are wandering around in three-day-old diapers and your house looks like a set from Hoarders. There is no 12-step program for this. With all the compassion I can muster, I am telling you: Skip to #10 and follow the directions. If this does not immediately solve your problem, then reach behind the computer, and unplug it from the wall. Take a deep breath. Look around you. Do you know where you are? Deep breaths.

9. Homework. Your homework today is to go home and watch “The Social Network.” If, after watching it, you think that Mark Zuckerberg was a nice young man who invented Facebook so you could keep in touch with your kids... then you missed the point entirely, and you should now proceed to #10 and follow the directions. (Disclaimer: The Social Network is rated PG-13 and to the best of my recollection had girls dancing in their underwear and drug use and an occasional swear word so I am not recommending it to anyone of a tender age or sensibilities or anyone remotely Mormon that might think I am a bad person for even suggesting it. Thank you for your understanding.)

10. To deactivate your Facebook, select “Deactivate” under Account Settings. Do this now.

Thank you for your kind attention during class today. I hope it has been fun and informative. If you still Facebook, then be so kind as to click on this button and go “Like” my Archangel Records” page. I am in desperate need of the validation that I get from having fans. And if you want to send me a friend request, please feel free. I am shockingly undiscriminating.

Archangel Records

Promote Your Page Too

The One Where Garry Talks About Disney Princesses

Yes, Garry? Do enlighten us. I know... so embarrassing, right? Haha! But seriously, go check out the latest post on my He Said, She Said blog. He does talk about a Disney princess, and it is one of my favorites (I won’t say who... you have to go look), AND one of the most romantic movie scenes of all time is on there, AND Jon McLaughlin. Yummy. So go, go, go. Leave a comment over there, too. Oh, and while you’re at it, be a FOLLOWER if you haven’t already. I know the blog has the word Christmas in it, but it is not all about Christmas, and we update it every single week, and it is FUN! Be a joiner.

The One With the Dead Yak

Every day is full of decisions. It starts before I even get up. Turn off the alarm or hit the snooze? Say my prayers or forget? Cap’n Crunch or Reese’s Peanut Butter Puffs? Exercise or play on the computer? Curly or straight(er)? And then the real fun begins. There are about fifty different things I should get done today. Which of them do I do? They aren’t all going to fit. It reminds me of my favorite bit from Brian Regan, the comedian, where he is talking about trying to jam something in the overhead compartment on an airplane. You have this much room, and you have a DEAD YAK. That is my day. I’ve got this much room, and a dead yak.

However, it’s my dead yak. It’s all things I want to do. Even if I have to cut it up into a hundred little pieces, I am going to shove it into the compartment. And if I can’t fit it all in today, then I’ll work on it tomorrow. And I’m still going to find time for dinner with a friend. Even if it is a cold dead fish head. Served with a turnip. And a spork. ☺

The One With the... What the...?

This is an actual screenshot I took from my Facebook page ad section yesterday. I looked. I read. I looked again. And again.

Am I the only one who thinks this is strange?